Win some, lose some

Sure feels like I went through a whole year of work in the last five months!

2012 came clear with hopes and promises of sunshine-y days and better tomorrows. Five months into the year and I think I got my fair share of sunshine-y days and better tomorrows, peppered with some stormy weather here and there. It's been quite a ride and I'm sure that the days and months ahead will both be sunny and cloudy, it may even be stormy.

Today, all seems to be well. Work is work and needs three-fourths of my time and attention most days. Outside of work it's me rolling with different crowds, getting to know people and the little kinks and quirks of living with these new people, enjoying my time listening and making music, writing whenever life kicks my ass or when time permits, calling home and calling my mom every so often, shopping, and thinking of ways to make life a little more interesting than it actually is.

I wanted to be here at some point in the past. And now that I'm here and life is actually good, I'm feeling the itch to be somewhere else. That's the point of living, I guess. You just never stop moving and changing.

Judging from what I have written in the last five months, life has been a roller coaster of thoughts and emotions and activities that I have managed to recall. The recollection is usually captured in words and the emotions that go with it. I like that having a blog makes weeding out thoughts easier. Once I put my thoughts into words, I am able to reflect on them.

Anyway, what I've won in the last five months are friends, and courage to always speak up. What I've lost is $40. Yes, I lost $40 because I hastily ordered an HD webcam that I wanted to use to record videos but it got lost in the mail. I'm glad that I lost money and not anything else significant.

Sana

 

 Closing out this month with a no-face video cap of a Thursday night, 

here in the apartment by my lonesome.

Here we are again

It's been going on for some time, my not having to post anything of significance to me. I'm just letting the thoughts fly and take their own form and shape in whatever activity I pour my heart into these past few weeks. I've been observing myself and what I've been is quiet and joining in on the fun whenever I can. And it feels so not me at times but hey, maybe I've changed. 

The one thing I'm finding hard to change is how I interact with the past. I sometimes get weepy or cranky, and I can't see an escape nearer than the closet that could fit me and a guitar, or the bathroom and the speakers with volume turned up high, or the bedroom with my body battered and sprawled on the bed. I've been looking for someone to talk to, someone who doesn't know me at all. I need to get fresh perspectives/alternative views. Maybe these views will help me get to a point where I can leave everything behind. Because right now, I'm fighting to stay afloat, fighting as hard as I can because the past keeps drowning me. 

I don't want to blame these thoughts on hormones just because it's nearing that time of the month again. And don't mistake this post for a plea.  What I need is someone to talk to, someone who I don't know and who doesn't know me. I hate that the days are speeding by so fast and I'm nowhere near where I need to be.

Perspective

Walking away involves seeing a different perspective in a situation. Our beliefs and values shapes or narrows our own perspectives that we oftentimes leap to action when faced with any situation.

How do we practice change in perspective when we already have been predisposed to thousands of beliefs since the day we were born? How do we go about adjusting our glasses again and again to be able to see a situation with rose-colored lenses, with clouds, clearly, with tears, without judgment?

I've been reading a lot of people's thoughts via blogs and articles I could find. The reigning themes I've seen as answers to the questions I posed above are the following:

•  Absorb only the things that you need.
• Then let go.
• Really, let go.
• Develop non-attachment.
• But empathize as best you can.
• Think. Then think again. Then think again until your head hurts and then you will see in the pain and suffering that you have to let go of the suffering in order to see things clearly.
• There are always N number of sides to a single story. 
• A single story has different scenes, and these scenes are made up of N number of sides.
• Timing is everything.

Being mindful means being able to know when to control certain reactions and when to let your side be out in the open when it means to be helpful and be healing. Sounds easy but hard to do. And this is where another lesson I've learned came up: everything takes practice. So we need to practice being mindful every single day.

This is not to say that we can't be mad or be angry. Anger is allowed, but never direct it towards another person. Sometimes, when we mull over angry thoughts, we arrive at certain conclusions that we won't otherwise be arriving at had we been wimpy and weepy. We just have to weed through the rage and the overwhelming sensation to punch something/lash out that anger brings.

Mashed thoughts

This post is meant to treat my brain to paths it attempts to tread every single day.
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Lately, I can't write about anything. Each time I try to start writing, the words that came out felt fake, looked out-of-place, read wrong. And then I knew I had to sit tight for a little while and hold on to my thoughts and really grasp it. It had to be forced into words, these thoughts. It had to come out naturally, these words.

What I've observed is that I'm not able to compose myself and compose my words when I'm in a happy place. It  might be because I want to be out there rather than in here (in my head). It's rather comforting to be outside of my thoughts nowadays because I get to do a lot of the stuff I promised myself I would do.
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Someone once told me that I caught a certain somebody's eye from the onset. I was oblivious (big surprise). Little did I know that my awareness would entirely shift towards her for a good chunk of my time.

That's all we crave sometimes, to matter. You'll detect it in the way we think - often inviting banter and response from another person; in the way we act - often waiting for a counter action; in the way love songs are phrased - in the endless woes of wanting to be wanted and needed. It's a nice feeling; to be wanted/needed, to be the object of one's thinking.
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I stopped counting days on the first day of May. Life is unfolding.

Walk away

I've learned to walk away at some point even if what I really wanted was to stay on. The thing is if the people in your life see things differently, you have to keep them doing the things that they believe in. Those are their battles, their experiences. All you can do is be ready to be called on when they ask for your presence in their lives. 

I walked away, but I ain't walking out.

A typical weekend

The thing with weekends is they have a lot of hidden moments that get to you. These moments are always the best moments that get you through the day, and the days to come.