this is my closing 2010 post.

seriously, this year felt like it started on its wrong foot. i've had fewer ups than downs this year. career-wise, i've had my winning moments and more learning ones. family-wise, our focus is on my grandmother who is currently braving her journey with cancer. we're hoping to sell some of the land that we own in order to support her cure. thank heavens for relatives and friends who walked with us all the way. love-wise, the 3-year relationship with the girl of my dreams ended. it had to end at that point when neither of us was willing to fight for it, fight through it. after all, love is not a war to be fought. it ended on a sad note. up to now, i'm still in the process of getting over everything that was. i definitely learned a lot. and i have not been angry because i'm coming from a place where there is nothing else but love for her. i'm getting more and more good days than bad, the last few weeks. thankful for family and friends who held my hand and comforted me and bore all my annoying crying, storytelling, misplaced affections, and neediness.

2010 was a year nothing like any other in my last 28 years of existence. it's definitely a year where all the lessons in life came rushing in. it's also a year of believing in myself and having faith in the non-existent. and if i had done it well this year, i know i will do better in 2011. and i believe that the best of everything that life has to offer is coming!

i've been saying a lot of things to a lot of people. and it's clear i want attention and care. i've been looking for it in the wrong places, wanting it from the wrong people. and now i've realized, after all is said and done, that i need not search for these things. because i have all the attention and care i could want from the people that matter - family and friends.

i am writing while watching the "foreplay" scene from The Four-Faced Liar. that's tmi. From spending the entire afternoon soaking up on my to-watch list this year (Easy A, episodes of SNL, to name a few), i stumbled upon a movie that enlightened me with what happened to my now non-existent love life.

enough on the looking back. what i learned was this: you can't get in the way of hot, present, and relevant love even if it means you have to give way for that to happen. i've got to face this fact everyday. it actually stares me in the eyes, gives me a pat down. it's just sad that i had to get hurt in the process. but i know that i will also find my hot, present, and relevant love when i'm open and ready to face it again. thinking of that gives me hope. people want to be loved AND wanted. love is familiar and comfortable. wanting gives off the feeling of lusting and longing after. there is a difference, it's almost invisible. but for someone to be a great partner/lover, one has to be able to tell and DO the difference.

been trying to read the signs in a different light. while it's always easy to see the bad side of things, it takes hard work to see things positively.

seven.

it doesn't matter how much in common we have. the fact of the matter is i am familiar and comfortable. i do not give the thrill and excitement that you are yearning for. however painful that is, i have to stay true to myself.

there is a part of me that still wishes that i will once again make you feel alive. it gets difficult just talking to you. i get too excited. i yearn for everything that is you. memories come flooding back.

today, i am wanting you. or someone like you.

this week is a unique gift that happened at a time when i know i am alright. a lot of people and experiences told me that i am now the person that i need to be for myself and for the people around me, and for all the other people i will meet in this life. found that myself was just waiting, i just need to give it the attention it needed.

stronger. wiser. more forgiving. more free.

letting everything flow :)

everything's out in the open. living in the present is better than going back to the past and zooming to the future.

i had a crazy thought last night. given the things that happened yesterday, a day where i had some of the better realizations about living here on earth and about dealing with myself and with people, the day was good. i've had better, but yesterday was good compared to the last 40 days i've been trying to be happy. yesterday was a happy day.

well, back to that crazy thought. i was thinking to myself that i will meet the girl who dreams of me today. and as the day progressed to midday, i surrendered myself to this thought. my workmates and i had lunch at the nearby hospital cafeteria. and there i saw the girl i was dreaming of. i've known her only by the name that is printed on her school uniform (she is an intern). i talked to her twice when my grandma was still in the hospital.

while this is clearly a one-sided thing, i worked up enough courage to approach her and talk to her. i couldn't ask for her info but i didn't feel pressured to do so. i just wanted to talk to her and see how she responds. it was a mere two minutes that we exchanged hellos and a little story about my grandma. it was kind of sweet that she remembers me. it was kinda creepy of me because i said her name out loud to her and almost ignored her companion (who was also one of the interns checking on my grandma). overall, it was an unexpected turn of events today.

now back to that crazy thought. i said to myself last night that i will meet the girl who dreams of me. i wonder who it is. is she, the beautiful intern, the girl who dreams of me?

i believe in a thing called love.

need adrenaline. need a rush, other than the grief and the self pity that almost fuels me to write.

shadows, memories of the past come creeping in the wildest hours. just when i need the focus and the concentration, in comes a wave of memories laced with all the longing and wanting for that singularity.

what gets me through...

sorry, ngayon ko lang nalaman ang gusto ko.

both happy and sad.

a love that will last.

when forever seems too long, a love that will last will focus on the journey to that forever. when the going gets tougher than the usual tough, a love that will last helps ease the pain until things and happenings shine through.

tonight, i'm wishing for a love that will last.

whatever happens, happens.

it's been almost three years since i asked her hand in marriage.

it was dark. it was about 2 in the morning. post coitus. i could make out her face in the dark. i held her and looked her in the eye.

"while i know it's too early to ask you this, i want to ask you to marry me in the future."

"yes, i will marry you."

it wasn't a promise. it was my future being given to her. it was letting go of everything hurtful that was in the past. it was facing and being in the present with her.

it still is.

when drunk, i long for you.

somehow i feel slutty. i flirted with this girl. realized at that point that hey the attention is getting to me in ways that i've never imagined. maybe i'm just hungry for love. or maybe i'm really enjoying everything that you're showering upon me. i must not mistake this for anything other than you being just friendly.

i find myself seeing people eye to eye a lot these days. maybe i've been looking for someone in everyone i meet. used to have this thing with looking people straight in the eye. i get too shy and look away.

today, i was the designated guardian of my grandma. i spent the entire afternoon in the hospital just taking care of her and her needs and talking to her doctors and nurses. even if i only got a couple of hours of sleep the night before and had a meeting at 7am, i didn't feel sleepy at all. i was working while my grandma was sleeping soundly. gave her leg and foot massages when she asked for them. i wish she'll get well soon. it's difficult seeing her suffering and in pain, could not imagine how it feels like for her.

it was a different day today. met with my leadership coach early in the morning and did some sharing. now that i'm finally out to my coach, i feel like some of the weight of not telling came off. initially, i planned not to share that part of my life with her but then, time came that i had to. and i was not disappointed.

after weeks of wishing to see someone new that will make my heart skip a beat, i finally saw this lady coming into my grandma's room. a lady doctor :) she came twice tonight in the room and did some history checking with my grandma. as my grandma could not speak a lot because of that pesky tube in her nose, i was the one talking to her :) she has beautiful eyes, pore-less face. i felt her hand brush against mine, it was soft :). she had on some make up, enough to highlight her beautiful face. she's about my height, small built. i wish i had the guts to get her number :( maybe tomorrow :)