To you, for you

Happy 2012!

Beautiful things made

Awww. I'm feeling all warm and fuzzy as I write this. Must be all the nostalgia and the goodness that this year brought. For one, it's become hard to believe that certain things are possible. Not that these things were impossible, it's just that you get a feeling of being lost when you need to be somewhere or with someone and you just can't figure out how to go about it.

While this wish list is really meant to be fulfilled as my birthday bucket list, I got lucky in fulfilling some this year. And here's a rundown of the fulfillment:

1. Dance. While I didn't get to enroll in dance classes, I mustered enough courage to put on heels and join the flash mob at the company christmas party. Despite the lack of practice and general lack of finesse at these things, I managed to have fun with some friends while fulfilling the dancing.
2. Travel. It occurred to me that the best travels I've ever had were always the minimally planned ones, and with very good company to boot. Traveling around the metro with the office gang (Eric, Macky, Paul, Miray, Cathy) and my ever-reliable high school gang to see sights, eat out, drink heavily, or talk our heads off. Having a new car (by way of my brother-in-law) also brought the family to that side of Batangas that we've never seen before. While I wasn't able to really go out of the metro that much this year, the mini travels have all been worth it. To end this year, I just came from Baguio and La Union and had exquisitely good food with very good friends :)
3. Be a pseudo-mom to nephew. Facebook friends will attest that I've been posting pictures of my nephew a whole lot lately. Not that I'm excited to be a mom. I kinda enjoy the concept of having to take care of a slightly grown boy but could take him back to his mom's when he's too much to handle. *Wicked plan brewing inside head*
4. Be a good friend to Macky. I remember reading somewhere that I might have a disagreement with a friend this year. And that really happened for the first time ever with Macky. The good thing is that Macky is that kind of friend who I can be truthful to. And I'm glad that that disagreement happened. Otherwise, I would not be able to believe that we really are good friends.
5. Lose more weight. Okay, this is where I was unsuccessful. But I'm successful at keeping my weight to a slightly healthy one. 20 more pounds to go!
6. Change my diet. I changed from junk food, to no pork, to little pork, to what the hell I shall eat what I want but keep to half portions. I still can't bring myself to eat lechon or crispy pata, though. So I guess I'm good?
7. Go on regular food trips. See #2. Been to the following: Cafe Juanita, Chihuahua, the Burger Brgr Project, Moonleaf (which I am really fond of), Hermanos (best Mexican so far). Here's to more food trips!
8. Read! Ugh! Still have to finish Sophie's World!
9. Record my EP. We found out that the recording bit can get expensive so I did not push to do it this year. Instead, I recorded using phone mic and some other expensive microphone. All of that lead to this. I hope you enjoy listening to how I hammer Coldplay songs to pieces. hahahahahahahahahaimembarassed
10. Join a music band. The funny thing is I didn't know where to start with this particular wish. It turns out, joining the office Christmas party talent auditions would make this little wish come true! I got to jam with different talented guitarists, Macky was able to perform using her cajon, and I was able to sing Tadhana! Omg, dreams do come truuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuue!
11. One more guitar, the acoustic-electric kind. My room was recently slightly "renovated" to share with my grandma so I really don't have space for another guitar that I won't be using that often. So this will be postponed to 2013, that is if I'm not yet a full-fledged frontwoman for a band hahahahahahahaha!
12. Write a song. Ugh! No progress at all here.
13. Star in a music video. Ugh! Not thin enough yet for a video!
14. Be a subject in a nude photography session. Ugh! See number 5.
15. Join a photography exhibit. I have to admit that I haven't been focusing on the photography this year. This will all change come 2012. I'm planning to add more gear to my camera, and to go to places and meet people to be subjects. Excited!
16. Learn how to drive. Ugh! Will enroll in driving school in the next two months. Double ugh!
17. Do more cooking. Cooking for Christmas and non-occasions have been part of my life. I know I will get to cook more in 2012 :) Excited!
18. Visit a zoo. Or better yet, visit Thailand for a picture with a real elephant, and go to Palawan to get a photo of a real giraffe. Weeeeeeeeeee 2012!
19. Get a new tattoo. Which requires #5.
20. Fulfill short-term bucket list. This bucket list is a secret bucket list that requires another person. Hihihihi giddy!

That's a lot! I've been very blessed this year, really thankful that my head and my heart are in right places. Excited as excited can be for 2012!

World turns

People around me never fail to surprise me. The general consensus nowadays is this: while there is no doubt that the people around me are surprised that I'm doing good now, someone still has to pay for the grief back in the day. It's the first time I'm learning about this, and I have questions. How do you make people pay for a thing people deem unfathomable such as falling out of love? Why is there no guilt? Why am I okay with all these things? Is there anything to pay for? The thing with forgiveness is you make a decision to get a clean break from the past hurt in order to make your present and future brighter. To clarify: I did not forget but I forgave. Love is a beautiful thing and when it's gone, while it's normal to look for it and crave for it, it's more important to understand why love was lost and to learn from the loss to move forward. I'm no expert in these things but I certainly do not want to spend the rest of my life paralyzed by sadness or loneliness because someone cannot love me anymore. No one will ever know how much we suffer when we go through a loss. Only we can decide how long we should suffer and how best to move on. Just to make things clear: everything's fine now. It's your turn to move on :)

Today's grace

It recently occurred to me that while the festiveness and the warmth of this season may have waned as I grow older, both warmth and festiveness fire up at the memory of every single happy thing that I am thankful for.

The music
that forever sets the background and the mood for the scenes that unfolded, good or bad. The music just made it all more poignant.

The people
who made their marks in my little life. A simple note, a touch, a hug, a gift, a word, a look - every kind thing thrown this way is deeply appreciated.

The love,
the unconditional acceptance of family, friends, and strangers who are not so strange after all.

This Christmas is a happy one :)

In remembrance

The days seem to blend and blur together that forgetting is easy and remembering takes significant amount of effort and time. 

This is the part where I wish I had this strength, this level of maturity when I was facing my demons and was being tormented by emotions I didn't want to be present. But then this kind of strength is not given but earned. And time rewards those who have the courage to be patient and persevering enough to know and understand that this strength is yours for the taking.

take off

Things have been going great it kind of scares me.

You know when your mind's in the right direction and you find your heart to be in the right place and you're just scared that balance is not easy to achieve but easy to break? Can't seem to take my mind off that fear. I treat each day as a make-or-break day - living on the edge but not quite.

Noise-cancelling

My fervent desire to purchase real noise-cancelling headphones has been ignited.
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It's hard to focus these days. Everything is served lightning fast, our senses assaulted from all points. There's no escaping noise any where you go. If you can't tell, I'm immaculately pissed.

When someone close to you un/willingly undermines your capability as a person, what do you do? You defend yourself. But ridding yourself of the emotion that consumes you is difficult. You relentlessly think about the judgment placed upon you.

I think this is why some people forgive and forgive and forgive. We believe in chances, in the person's ability to change. But if you give that to people, wouldn't it be just right for other people to give that to you as well?

Prayers

Thank you for today. While my concept of "family" will never be the same, I wish that the families that stem from the family I have would have the strength and courage to love one another, most especially when faced with adversity. I wish we could all practice patience, kindness, and courage.

The dreamer in me

You know sometimes having a lot of time on your hands certainly won't do you any good. If you just sit on your ass all the freaking time.

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I'd like to think that I spend my time deep in thought. But what I really am doing is daydreaming. Daydreaming is not bad in itself. But when your friends walk on over to the second floor of the mall while you're still at the mall entrance lost in "deep thought", that's another story.

It's come to my attention that I've been spending a lot of time thinking and not doing. I would have thought I have gotten over this habit of mine when this year started but you know, habits are hard to break. And we all need a little slap on the back of the head to knock us back into reality once in a while. 

So I started making plans and executing them day by day. No matter how lazy I get, the point is I get out my little daily list and cross off whatever I can. Yes, things and people get in the way because that's how life is. Sometimes, you get used to life's little distractions that you welcome all of it. But sometimes, you're not really into the welcoming part. Anyway, whatever mood/state of mind you are in, life is supposed to happen. You either let it or you create other paths for your life to take its course.

What my point really is that I can't help it if I'm a dreamer. At least I know it and admit to it. And I got around to taking action. I don't want for others to decide on my fate.

Awaken my soul

December is a time for endless invitations to parties, dinners, weddings, dates, and other stuff that do not fall into the aforementioned. It seems that each and every one plays Santa in various ways during December - gift-giving and feeding programs galore everywhere I go. While I enjoy myself and welcome almost all invites I get...

it's all too familiar.

Not that I'm complaining. Maybe it's come to a point in my life where I question stuff a lot. At the end of the day, at the end of each event I've been to, I ask myself: was it worth my time? Did I have fun in the most meaningful way?

These are the questions I try to answer as I lie awake in bed, waiting for sleep to come when it doesn't come instantly. My weary body begs me to ask these questions because the youth I've known and grown to love is slipping from me day by day. The exhaustion catches up in these forms: of more and more lines on my face, a need to religiously moisturize each and every part of my body, constantly waking up to the question where the hell have I lugged my body that it's aching this bad?, the extra hoarseness in my voice, and the always tired self  (All these mean I need to get back to my exercise routine, and quick!)

And then there's the endless search for peace from within. Sometimes, I get lucky - getting to a place where everything feels like it's settled in all the right places and at the right times. But then, it's human nature to crave change. An internal struggle bubbles up, almost out of nowhere, from within and then the soul is restless again.