Love is a sin we always indulge in...

Simmering

2012-01-29T01:07:00.001+08:00

It's like that time when there was this feeling that I could freely give myself again. Sometimes, I catch myself staring into nothingness. And then a couple of familiar figures and situations enter the pictures I keep imagining, daydreaming about.

It's that air, that aura that gives you a feeling of freedom, of being able to commit to someone or something. Times like these are rare in life.

Let's admit that there are only very few times in our lives when we will be in a time and place and with someone, and then feel that instant and lasting connection. It doesn't have to be romantic or sexual. It's that connection that leaves you wanting more, leaves you feeling that you could capture those seconds of your life that were so raw and real.

Randomly thankful

2012-01-27T00:42:00.001+08:00

Sometimes, you get a couple of shitty days (or weeks) and then there's this one day when everything that's shitty decides to take a day off. And then that lightness comes in.

Today, the following put a smile on my face:

Supportive bosses.
Supportive friends.
That familiar banter with friends.
Mylene Dizon.
My nephew's goodbye kiss before he went to school.
A few minutes talking to that expat guy I work with.
Actually knowing what to do.
Reminders and remainders.
Chicken wings.
The ride home: in a cab with a stupid smile plastered on my face while forcing myself to listen to the cab driver's radio station of choice.

Everything is amazing AND no one is happy

2012-01-25T23:34:00.001+08:00

That, sadly, is the human condition.

We're always striving for that next level, we keep setting that imaginary bar higher. But it seems to me, all we are doing is doing things differently, and hoping to whatever that it catches on and sticks for it to be the next standard that everyone will adhere to for a given period. And then you, or another, will do things differently again and that will set new standards.

Have you ever wondered if it is at all possible for humans to be able to appreciate a person, a thing, a situation for all its perceived worth?

Still

2012-01-24T21:46:00.001+08:00

Even for a moment. To be able to achieve silence. Your surroundings are noisy, but your thoughts are louder than any kind of noise outside.

In this connected world, it's been really difficult to sit still at any given point. I bet billions of Earth's population can no longer sit still because everyone is driving towards productivity, towards doing something, anything. Because results are what makes us useful.

As I write this down, my mind is barraged with thoughts about what's the apt next concept/thought to write, how to make this post more simple, how to make life more bearable tomorrow and the coming days, how 250ml of milk will solve only a fourth of my current hunger, how I need to prepare stuff for work, how to write down a proper nomination for a colleague.

We work so hard, we work ourselves to the bone. But really, all we want is that life of quiet, that life seeing green fields or blue skies or blue seas, that life filled with laughter and love, that life with rain when we need it, that life when sun's out all the time.

Knowing your worth

2012-01-23T18:11:00.002+08:00

Times like these need to be written.
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Maybe this is me being insane but I realized, while staring at columns and rows of information that I needed to get done by end of the day, that I'm not in the mood for love because I don't know how worthy I am to love and be loved in return. It's come to a point where I do double takes because thinking things through affords me so much more insight rather than jumping in head first in any situation. There's this feeling in the air that I can no longer survive on luck.

While I have to admit that I continue to search for validation in others, it's self-validation that I'm clearly lacking. My guts are telling me I've done good, but I refuse to just sit and rest on my laurels. It's not that time.

All these thoughts come from a question burning in my head because Saturday happened and I wondered why it's fairly easy for someone to forget that one thing I asked. Maybe I've been putting too much emphasis on what people could do for me at this time. Don't get me wrong. I understand the predicament and I accept that I am not top of head. And maybe I've been looking for validation from the wrong people. But I wonder, am I that forgettable?

Why the 20s resonate, but not quite

2012-01-22T19:55:00.003+08:00

The last nine years of my life have been...fun. For the most part.
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Explorers, that's what we all are here. In this culture that I grew up in, the years we spend living with our parents/families up until we graduate from college are nothing compared to the years when we try and go out in the world, making names for ourselves. Having jobs, friends, discovering other people and culture, enjoying the outdoors, falling in love, having the power to buy, starting families of our own -- these are all the things that make our 20s mean so much more to us. That era affords us to do things that we only imagined when we were young and wanted so bad to be our own person. It's when we are all physically able to enjoy the challenges and thrills that we wanted to try as we see them on tv.

The 20s offered me a lot of opportunities - some I took more willingly than others, while others have been left for another day or another year. Looking back, this era brought out the opportunities and the situations, and the decisions we took that made us what we are today. I'm well aware now that the decisions I've made have the chilling/warming effects as I go through life daily. I still cringe at the memory of the sticky situations I got into. I can still feel the butterflies when reminded of the moments that warmed my being.

With the new era that I'll be in, I am leading myself to believe that all the experiences and the actions of my 20s are definitely good input for the 30s. It's going to be the era when my character is whole.

Saturdays with this

2012-01-21T13:59:00.000+08:00

Getting it

2012-01-20T08:30:00.000+08:00

When you can be yourselves without trying too hard to please one another.

When smiles on your faces explains everything and anything.

When misunderstandings and annoyances can be discussed and agreements can be made and actions are done.

When there are no excuses - only truths that you can tell each other without being judged.

When waking up in the middle of the night just to get closer to her to smell her being is actually second nature.

When sweaty or garlicky are not major problems.

When situations, even the sticky ones, are effortlessly happy.

You got yourself a keeper.

Middle ages

2012-01-17T23:11:00.000+08:00

Most people I know don't look like they're in their 40s or 50s. When friends reply that their mothers and fathers ages are in the 60s-70s, I don't see their ages as old. Betty White just turned 90, and she's still acting and still does great comedy.

Back in the day, everyone I look up to was older than me. Eating yam and macapuno-flavored ice cream were, for me, signs of being old. I then I had a crush on someone older.

Then I dated someone younger, fell in love with someone younger, have a nephew and a niece, and my youngest cousin is now in college.

The funny thing is apart from the occasional body aches and pains, and that a lot of my coworkers are just about to hit their mid20s, I don't feel a day older than 25. Must be the exercising and the weekdays-healthy food portioning. Or the mindset. Or the job.

It just occurred to me that maybe true age is actually the combination of our mind and body. While eventually our body wilts away because that is the nature of living creatures, we can choose to make our mind wilt away with it, or choose to will our mind to stay young and therefore, find means and ways to keep the body healthy and feeling young.

When I think about my age and how two mornings in a row I forgot where I left the food I bought from the vending machine, I say I'm really old.

Sundays and stuff

2012-01-16T00:09:00.000+08:00

It's a day when you can totally act carefree.

It's when you can start your day with a good friend you haven't seen in a long time, eat waffles and drink vodka slush at 1am and talk about all the stuff that's going on and update each other and promise to not talk about some things until you see each other again at the last quarter of the year.

It's when you go home at 3am and chance upon your grandmother still up and in the kitchen. So you sit yourself down, have glasses of vodka + apple ale, gin + lemon ale, and talk about how your sister should decide for herself and draw up plans for remodeling the second floor of your home, and actually draw stuff while on the kitchen table. All these with your grandmother.

It's a day when you can wake up at 10 in the morning and get your fix of the Starbucks house blend right at your home. You eat your breakfast while everyone in the household is lounging around the dining table, some making lunch, some eating, some trying to write stuff because there's a test in school tomorrow. And breakfast can actually be last night's leftovers, or your dad's store-bought puto which he dropped off at 8am while you were still sound asleep, or noodles, or leftover dessert from the holiday season.

It's when you catch up with all the episodes of all your favorite TV shows, or re-watch all the movies you've already watched and still laugh about it. Or cry about it. Your choice, really.

It's when everything that's in the kitchen and the cupboards and the refrigerator and the dining table are all edible and every single food item actually tastes good.

It's a day when you can make faces and play ball with your nephew, and have hearty laughs with your sister and your grandma over a joke that you remember, and plan next weekend's activities like dinner out and having the manghihilot come over because your right ankle hasn't healed from a month's old sprain.

Sundays are fun days.

And then it happens

2012-01-14T12:24:00.000+08:00

When I get questions about how my life is right now, I always assume the person asking me is interested in knowing what it is like being single. After all, almost everyone I know knows that I've always been identified with a significant other because, as proven by my posts from years ago up to mid-2010, I'm always involving myself heavily with significant others. Anyway, it's funny that when I grew fond of answering the "how are you?" questions over the course of 2011 because aside from the fact that the person wants to know the latest on the love front, somebody actually cares about my well-being.

Anyway, I was actually relieved and glad to answer this question last night, because I could answer truthfully that I am happy. I realized that things are going well not only because they are actually going well, it's also with how I view and immerse and react and absorb all the things that are happening in and around me. I guess it goes with the decision to grow wiser rather than older.

The way I look at it right now, it's okay to need and want certain people and things and situations, but we also have to be aware of how capable we really are in accepting and embracing all our wants and needs. Being human means to live with the primal wanting but being able to temper it with regard to you and other people's well-being as well.

So as much as this blog's banner screams LOVE, the owner of this blog (me) is happily in love with the world right now. There are a lot of things to get done, and growing takes time and experience, and I'd really like to stay on here and make a mark for myself to as many people and things as I can. I also want to be able to share and partake of all of the love that is all around us, if we just choose to accept it. Romantic love, friendly love, parental love, familial love - whatever way you view it, every single thing is borne out of love. Tempering our love along with the primal wanting is actually what we should promote.

Romantically, I'm still thinking about what value I will be able to add to the next person I will love. That's more important right now. Having dreams and having a job to get to fulfill those dreams are just facts of my life right now. I want to make myself valuable to the next person in order to grow and expand together with respect and trust and love for each other. It reads so perfect but it takes a lot of work. It takes being human, it takes being wise enough to understand and accept that "forever" is just a concept, that the work involved is in everyday - in waking up and treating each other as humans who are capable to think and function and feel for their own.

Auntie Janey puts it best in J. Zafra's blog. And to serve as a reminder to each one of us:

"We are so preoccupied with what we want in a partner but we rarely give thought to what we can offer in return. We often ask for something wonderful but have we made ourselves worthy of the things we ask for? You cannot pour new wine into old skin.

Time and again I have said that we should work on ourselves. We should make ourselves valuable. We should ready ourselves to receive what is due us." - Auntie Janey

Frogs and First Kisses

2012-01-11T00:45:00.000+08:00

Do you still remember your first meaningful kiss?

We travel back to when I was seven, playing house with the neighborhood playmates I've known throughout kinder up to early grade school. It was summer and there were new neighbors coming and going on our street. We've been playing with the kids of a relatively new neighbor (if I remember it right, they moved to one of the apartments that my grandparents own a few months before school ended) for quite sometime. This little girl, the new playmate, was younger than me by a year. She went to a different school than most of us in the neighborhood so it was really during weekends and that summer that me, my siblings, and our neighborhood friends got to spend time with her, playing hide-and-seek, shake shake shampoo, monkey monkey annabelle, patintero, and all the street games that involved running and hiding.

That summer was the only summer that changed my life. I don't even remember her name. All I could remember was that one afternoon where we were playing hide-and-seek with our playmates. And why we ended up hiding in my dad's car was beyond me but that's when I just noticed her face was so close to me and there was nothing left to do but kiss. It was the softest, most innocent kiss I've ever known. And then I knew why I didn't want to be teased when boy playmates were hounding me. And I knew why I didn't want longer hair. And I knew why I liked wearing shorts rather than the dresses mom had me put on.

The next meaningful kiss I've ever had was when I was 12 and was officially taken by this girl who was also my namesake. We would spend afternoons hiding behind the school stage, holding hands and kissing. One time, the school janitor caught us kissing but luckily didn't tell on us. We spent almost a year as girlfriends but then I had to move schools for high school. Having a long distance relationship at such a young age was not really ideal so she moved on to other girls and I tried to move on to boys at my school. The experiment stage came unfolding.

After having kissed frogs rather than princesses, I got my next meaningful kiss from a girlfriend in college. We were truly, madly in love and spending three years with this girl really put a dent, a good one, on my being. You could imagine how devastated I was when I decided to call it quits and she took me up on that offer.

I tried kissing frogs again to get me out of five years of rut but then all the frogs never amounted to the next girl who gave meaning to what it was like to fall in love everyday with the same person. We spent three years of laughter and love until there were no more laughs and love left.

In 2011, I kissed a bunch of frogs and princesses and to my amazement, although all were not as meaningful as what I shared previously with the princesses who came into my life, kissing is really an enjoyable thing when you are comfortable with the person you are kissing.

Wonder what 2012 will be like? :D

Being open

2012-01-09T14:57:00.000+08:00

As with anything else, has its joys and pitfalls.
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When my high school friends told me that they value my being open, it got me thinking. I've known myself to judge everyone, even loved ones. It's human nature, I guess.

But the thing is, in this world, my belief is every little thing is possible. Bad things happen because people made them happen. Good things happen because people made them happen. It's always a constant decision. We can make things happen, but not all things will be good for everyone, or bad for everyone. I guess with this openness I am able to accept people and experiences, though not always wholeheartedly and in an instant.

But with this openness, I tend to gloss over some important things. Well, it really depends. Deeming something important is subject to one's belief systems, I think. So if I gloss over a particular detail or the whole picture, it's not that important to me as it is to you. Or I have not yet seen the importance and significance of it to me yet.

Whatever the matter is, at least I can say I'm open as a person.

Lessons learned, so far

2012-01-07T15:44:00.003+08:00

Barely a week into the new year and lessons keep pouring in. Well, some are realizations, some fed by observers and outsiders, some learned from experiences of others.

Love is a decision. - Miray
You can't choose who you fall in love with, but you can choose who you will have a relationship with. - Cathy
Don't lose yourself in a relationship. - me
There is no selfless love. Even charity is selfish in itself. - Eric
You ease yourself into yourself, as well as your partner, every single day. - me

That love is a decision is an intelligent and smart way of committing, I think. After all, we are in that stage in life where we know ourselves a little better and are willing to compromise only parts of ourselves when in any kind of relationship. To realize that initial attraction/lust only carries you as far as maybe six months to a year, that falling in love with the same person is a decision you have to be ready to make, because saying "yes" is really a lifetime (or a period of it) and time is essential to each of us.

That you can't choose who you fall in love with is actually true based on experience. No matter how hard you try, sometimes it's really hard to deny the fact that you realize in the middle of the day that you are there, that yes, I love him/her. It's not exactly like in the movies wherein you wake up feeling happy and giddy (although we've all been there) and a light goes on and that realization dawns on you (although that may happen, too). But that you really can't choose who you feel that for. But, it's also true that you can choose who to have a relationship with and it won't exactly be the person that you love, although please do not discount the huge probability that you also love the person you have a relationship with. It's just that sometimes it does not go hand in hand.

That losing yourself in a relationship have all befallen us at one point (or maybe it's just me). When I imbibed the tomboyish look, even if I was really a girly-girl-who-happens-to-love-girls, was probably one of the telltale signs that yes, I'm no longer my own person. I learned that i can love a person without having to change who I am. Of course, I was probably oblivious to the fact that out of the 100% me there was only about 25% left. And realizing that was sad in itself. I know better now.

That there is no selfless love is where we kind of hit a snag in the discussion because there are beliefs that even charity is selfish because you do good deeds and it makes you feel good. But maybe that's for those who deliberately do good things to achieve that good feeling, to feel good about themselves. How about for those who are unaware? For those who believe that doing good is actually the only way of life?

That it has to be fact that we change every single day, so we have to constantly ease ourselves into our selves. Sometimes, we tend to wake up on the wrong side of the bed, and the whole day is just ruined for us. And we go out and find ourselves pick-me-uppers in the form of things, people, places, activities, thoughts, and whatnots that will get you out of the rut. But really, all that says to me that we control our own selves so whether you woke up on the wrong side of the bed or not, it's all up to you to get going into a direction that you will define. We fight our own demons, celebrate our own triumphs, and at the end of the day, what happens and how we went about our day ultimately defines us. Then we're ready to face the next day again. And if all that work of easing into yourself every day is not difficult enough, try easing with another person. As we change everyday, our relationships also change so relating to one another takes work.

You must know that all these came from a night of drinking (where else?). It's good to be back to a place we've known to welcome us when we want good food and el cheapo drinks (Pasto, we missed you). It was a birthday celebration (happy birthday, Maiko!) and it felt good to be in a group with whom you can let your guard down and be as honest as you can.

Energizer bunny no more

2012-01-06T13:57:00.001+08:00

I used to have this huge appetite for love. Or for wanting people. Or for being with people romantically. Or being linked to someone significantly.

I used to spend hours thinking about my significant others (yes, there have been significant others), wanting them, wishing for them, wishing to be with them, missing them. I used to concoct thousands of daydreams around them and me, together in the air.

I used to almost always choose my significant others over family and friends. Or if this is not possible, these significant others were always in any family gathering or friend meetup.

Never been really single as single can be until 2011 came. I stopped conjuring all the daydreams and suppressed my appetite for being with someone else. It was high time to be with myself and to know myself a little better, what makes me tick, look in the mirror, likes and dislikes, all that stuff. And what I found was that this self evolved from a mixture of wants from other people. Anyway, I'm still in the process of constantly taking a step back and assessing a situation before diving in. I've eliminated the things that were not originally what I want, and retained those that I know I've loved. I'm discovering that I can do a lot of things and be the person that I wanted to be - a thinking AND feeling one.

Sometimes I worry, because the thought of not being able to really, truly love someone scares me. Maybe I'm not ready for that kind of commitment yet, or maybe the person has not arrived yet. I want to be cautiously vulnerable to the next significant other.

Relationship advice

2012-01-05T09:01:00.000+08:00

In general terms, it is that those who are in a relationship of any sort has the duty to listen. Not talk. Not hear. But listen. Listen intently. Then take action from there.

More than a decade

2012-01-04T09:30:00.002+08:00

Apple, Jan

Debs, me, Zara

Apple works for a huge finance company and is often out of the country in the last two years

Debs works in a BPO, and now works off-site most of the time

Jan has moved from one industry to another in the last five years (or I really don't know where she works right now)

Zara works for the same company where Apple works

the bride-to-be (certainly not me) is contemplating, while I look at the gelato parlor next door

Jan is one of the bestest friends that I have

Growing up and growing old are two different things that we face every single day we live. Life throws you all kinds of things - the good, the bad, the sweet, the sour. And with all the chaos that people and things cause us, it's always good to have friends who will joke around with you, talk to you, get drunk with you, travel with you, IM/message you in the middle of the night, laugh with you, and cry and be scared with you if needed. I'm grateful for I have friends who you can trust with who you are and who will not judge you but will jokingly judge your choices in life. Through all the hardships and the triumphs in the last 10 years, we were always there for each other.

It's 2012

2012-01-02T23:47:00.003+08:00

And I have no plans. Maybe it's because what life's throwing me nowadays are happy moments, or at least bearable, tolerable experiences to say the least. But wait...

This feeling comes along: I think I'm a little bit, little bit in love with you. But only if you're a little bit, little bit in l-l-love with me.

Ugh. Better find ways to let this little feeling just die its natural death.

To you, for you

2012-01-01T13:36:00.000+08:00

Happy 2012!

Beautiful things made

2011-12-31T23:59:00.000+08:00

Awww. I'm feeling all warm and fuzzy as I write this. Must be all the nostalgia and the goodness that this year brought. For one, it's become hard to believe that certain things are possible. Not that these things were impossible, it's just that you get a feeling of being lost when you need to be somewhere or with someone and you just can't figure out how to go about it.

While this wish list is really meant to be fulfilled as my birthday bucket list, I got lucky in fulfilling some this year. And here's a rundown of the fulfillment:

Dance. While I didn't get to enroll in dance classes, I mustered enough courage to put on heels and join the flash mob at the company christmas party. Despite the lack of practice and general lack of finesse at these things, I managed to have fun with some friends while fulfilling the dancing.
Travel. It occurred to me that the best travels I've ever had were always the minimally planned ones, and with very good company to boot. Traveling around the metro with the office gang (Eric, Macky, Paul, Miray, Cathy) and my ever-reliable high school gang to see sights, eat out, drink heavily, or talk our heads off. Having a new car (by way of my brother-in-law) also brought the family to that side of Batangas that we've never seen before. While I wasn't able to really go out of the metro that much this year, the mini travels have all been worth it. To end this year, I just came from Baguio and La Union and had exquisitely good food with very good friends :)
Be a pseudo-mom to nephew. Facebook friends will attest that I've been posting pictures of my nephew a whole lot lately. Not that I'm excited to be a mom. I kinda enjoy the concept of having to take care of a slightly grown boy but could take him back to his mom's when he's too much to handle. *Wicked plan brewing inside head*
Be a good friend to Macky. I remember reading somewhere that I might have a disagreement with a friend this year. And that really happened for the first time ever with Macky. The good thing is that Macky is that kind of friend who I can be truthful to. And I'm glad that that disagreement happened. Otherwise, I would not be able to believe that we really are good friends.
Lose more weight. Okay, this is where I was unsuccessful. But I'm successful at keeping my weight to a slightly healthy one. 20 more pounds to go!
Change my diet. I changed from junk food, to no pork, to little pork, to what the hell I shall eat what I want but keep to half portions. I still can't bring myself to eat lechon or crispy pata, though. So I guess I'm good?
Go on regular food trips. See #2. Been to the following: Cafe Juanita, Chihuahua, the Burger Brgr Project, Moonleaf (which I am really fond of), Hermanos (best Mexican so far). Here's to more food trips!
Read! Ugh! Still have to finish Sophie's World!
Record my EP. We found out that the recording bit can get expensive so I did not push to do it this year. Instead, I recorded using phone mic and some other expensive microphone. All of that lead to this. I hope you enjoy listening to how I hammer Coldplay songs to pieces. hahahahahahahahahaimembarassed
Join a music band. The funny thing is I didn't know where to start with this particular wish. It turns out, joining the office Christmas party talent auditions would make this little wish come true! I got to jam with different talented guitarists, Macky was able to perform using her cajon, and I was able to sing Tadhana! Omg, dreams do come truuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuue!
One more guitar, the acoustic-electric kind. My room was recently slightly "renovated" to share with my grandma so I really don't have space for another guitar that I won't be using that often. So this will be postponed to 2013, that is if I'm not yet a full-fledged frontwoman for a band hahahahahahahaha!
Write a song. Ugh! No progress at all here.
Star in a music video. Ugh! Not thin enough yet for a video!
Be a subject in a nude photography session. Ugh! See number 5.
Join a photography exhibit. I have to admit that I haven't been focusing on the photography this year. This will all change come 2012. I'm planning to add more gear to my camera, and to go to places and meet people to be subjects. Excited!
Learn how to drive. Ugh! Will enroll in driving school in the next two months. Double ugh!
Do more cooking. Cooking for Christmas and non-occasions have been part of my life. I know I will get to cook more in 2012 :) Excited!
Visit a zoo. Or better yet, visit Thailand for a picture with a real elephant, and go to Palawan to get a photo of a real giraffe. Weeeeeeeeeee 2012!
Get a new tattoo. Which requires #5.
Fulfill short-term bucket list. This bucket list is a secret bucket list that requires another person. Hihihihi giddy!

That's a lot! I've been very blessed this year, really thankful that my head and my heart are in right places. Excited as excited can be for 2012!

World turns

2011-12-29T12:54:00.001+08:00

People around me never fail to surprise me. The general consensus nowadays is this: while there is no doubt that the people around me are surprised that I'm doing good now, someone still has to pay for the grief back in the day. It's the first time I'm learning about this, and I have questions. How do you make people pay for a thing people deem unfathomable such as falling out of love? Why is there no guilt? Why am I okay with all these things? Is there anything to pay for? The thing with forgiveness is you make a decision to get a clean break from the past hurt in order to make your present and future brighter. To clarify: I did not forget but I forgave. Love is a beautiful thing and when it's gone, while it's normal to look for it and crave for it, it's more important to understand why love was lost and to learn from the loss to move forward. I'm no expert in these things but I certainly do not want to spend the rest of my life paralyzed by sadness or loneliness because someone cannot love me anymore. No one will ever know how much we suffer when we go through a loss. Only we can decide how long we should suffer and how best to move on. Just to make things clear: everything's fine now. It's your turn to move on :)

Today's grace

2011-12-24T23:50:00.001+08:00

It recently occurred to me that while the festiveness and the warmth of this season may have waned as I grow older, both warmth and festiveness fire up at the memory of every single happy thing that I am thankful for.

The music
that forever sets the background and the mood for the scenes that unfolded, good or bad. The music just made it all more poignant.

The people
who made their marks in my little life. A simple note, a touch, a hug, a gift, a word, a look - every kind thing thrown this way is deeply appreciated.

The love,
the unconditional acceptance of family, friends, and strangers who are not so strange after all.

This Christmas is a happy one :)

In remembrance

2011-12-20T23:20:00.000+08:00

The days seem to blend and blur together that forgetting is easy and remembering takes significant amount of effort and time.

This is the part where I wish I had this strength, this level of maturity when I was facing my demons and was being tormented by emotions I didn't want to be present. But then this kind of strength is not given but earned. And time rewards those who have the courage to be patient and persevering enough to know and understand that this strength is yours for the taking.

take off

2011-12-17T16:01:00.000+08:00

Things have been going great it kind of scares me.

You know when your mind's in the right direction and you find your heart to be in the right place and you're just scared that balance is not easy to achieve but easy to break? Can't seem to take my mind off that fear. I treat each day as a make-or-break day - living on the edge but not quite.

Noise-cancelling

2011-12-14T15:31:00.003+08:00

My fervent desire to purchase real noise-cancelling headphones has been ignited.
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It's hard to focus these days. Everything is served lightning fast, our senses assaulted from all points. There's no escaping noise any where you go. If you can't tell, I'm immaculately pissed.

When someone close to you un/willingly undermines your capability as a person, what do you do? You defend yourself. But ridding yourself of the emotion that consumes you is difficult. You relentlessly think about the judgment placed upon you.

I think this is why some people forgive and forgive and forgive. We believe in chances, in the person's ability to change. But if you give that to people, wouldn't it be just right for other people to give that to you as well?

Prayers

2011-12-11T23:34:00.001+08:00

Thank you for today. While my concept of "family" will never be the same, I wish that the families that stem from the family I have would have the strength and courage to love one another, most especially when faced with adversity. I wish we could all practice patience, kindness, and courage.

The dreamer in me

2011-12-10T18:26:00.001+08:00

You know sometimes having a lot of time on your hands certainly won't do you any good. If you just sit on your ass all the freaking time.

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I'd like to think that I spend my time deep in thought. But what I really am doing is daydreaming. Daydreaming is not bad in itself. But when your friends walk on over to the second floor of the mall while you're still at the mall entrance lost in "deep thought", that's another story.

It's come to my attention that I've been spending a lot of time thinking and not doing. I would have thought I have gotten over this habit of mine when this year started but you know, habits are hard to break. And we all need a little slap on the back of the head to knock us back into reality once in a while.

So I started making plans and executing them day by day. No matter how lazy I get, the point is I get out my little daily list and cross off whatever I can. Yes, things and people get in the way because that's how life is. Sometimes, you get used to life's little distractions that you welcome all of it. But sometimes, you're not really into the welcoming part. Anyway, whatever mood/state of mind you are in, life is supposed to happen. You either let it or you create other paths for your life to take its course.

What my point really is that I can't help it if I'm a dreamer. At least I know it and admit to it. And I got around to taking action. I don't want for others to decide on my fate.

Awaken my soul

2011-12-05T12:24:00.001+08:00

December is a time for endless invitations to parties, dinners, weddings, dates, and other stuff that do not fall into the aforementioned. It seems that each and every one plays Santa in various ways during December - gift-giving and feeding programs galore everywhere I go. While I enjoy myself and welcome almost all invites I get...

it's all too familiar.

Not that I'm complaining. Maybe it's come to a point in my life where I question stuff a lot. At the end of the day, at the end of each event I've been to, I ask myself: was it worth my time? Did I have fun in the most meaningful way?

These are the questions I try to answer as I lie awake in bed, waiting for sleep to come when it doesn't come instantly. My weary body begs me to ask these questions because the youth I've known and grown to love is slipping from me day by day. The exhaustion catches up in these forms: of more and more lines on my face, a need to religiously moisturize each and every part of my body, constantly waking up to the question where the hell have I lugged my body that it's aching this bad?, the extra hoarseness in my voice, and the always tired self (All these mean I need to get back to my exercise routine, and quick!)

And then there's the endless search for peace from within. Sometimes, I get lucky - getting to a place where everything feels like it's settled in all the right places and at the right times. But then, it's human nature to crave change. An internal struggle bubbles up, almost out of nowhere, from within and then the soul is restless again.

Effortless

2011-11-28T22:49:00.001+08:00

I was up all night again.
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Was about to doze off to the constant ring of questions in my head. A thousand what ifs, a hundred buts, a million scenarios playing out as the blurry becomes REM. Then I awoke to the sound of my phone ringing, mother checking in from Vietnam.

Couldn't go back to sleep after that.

Here's the thing: the little things I used to sweat seem effortless these days. The thought of being comfortable with the lull and the ability to choose freely at any point sometimes scare the shit out of me. But thinking about it, I've never been hampered by anything or anyone other than my fear of everything and everyone.

Now, I'm just here. Ready for anything - and by ready I mean ready to accept or reject whatever life chooses to subject me to.

Action!

2011-11-24T10:55:00.001+08:00

I wanted to write but I'm currently busy getting in on the action!

Because lookbook wouldn't let me post this whole thing

2011-11-22T00:01:00.001+08:00

Hello, Monday :)

Brain fart #707M

2011-11-20T02:19:00.001+08:00

At 2am, writing feels like a necessary drug.

What I have is time to revel in the solitude this room is giving me. It's never been pitch black, thanks to the street lamp post in front of my window. It's always been welcome to the sounds of the streets: the stray dogs barking in the middle of the night, a rooster clucking at 3 in the morning, occasional motorcycle/car/truck passing by, rowdy people shouting invective at each other.

At 2am, you learn to drown out the sounds and sights outside your window and focus on the buzz of thoughts in your head. Pounding on the keyboard, head swirling with thoughts, eyes almost narrowing to slits - these are the stuff that make you want to just write.

While I'm troubled by the daily things that I have to face, I always look forward to coming home and lying down and just letting my cares lay to rest.

New car

2011-11-19T23:32:00.001+08:00

My brother-in-law got a new car.
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This entire Saturday was spent running errands and traveling, braving the Saturday traffic. Getting to a place took 45 minutes minimum, two hours max. Traffic was horrendous along EDSA, and all the other parts that we went to.

The bad thing about traveling and sitting at the back is that when conversation dies down, your mind tends to wander. And it's that wandering I'm trying not to let myself get accustomed to. Because I'm tired this week of all the thinking that we did for the planning. I'm just tired.

Well, a lot of the thoughts that swam for the hours spent traveling had to do with my current state of affairs. And I can't write the sordid details because I'm just too sleepy now.

Anyway, a surprise: a good friend sends me a text out of nowhere, asking advice on being gay. I hope I helped with her situation. It actually felt good to be sought after about gay advice. I hope I put my friend's thoughts on the right track.

What's next?

2011-11-16T23:00:00.001+08:00

Get a place.
Design it.
Live in it. Love it.

I'm excited at these thoughts swirling in my head. I don't know how or when but I definitely know why. And it will matter only to me and no one else. Because this freedom is what I'm looking at right now. And everything is crystal clear.

This is good.

Growing old

2011-11-14T23:29:00.001+08:00

The thing with growing old is that when you look at life, you know that the possibilities are endless but your body can only take so much. The fact of life is while we can expand any which way we want, our biological clocks seem to tick faster towards the hour of death.

Not to be glum but it's just how life is.

Anyway, growing old brought me to a number of realizations (aside from the first one I mentioned). And these realizations are the thoughts that swim through my being while in transit.

You learn to give up and give in. There are certain fights you choose to battle it out, and certain fights better left fought on another day or never at all. You choose your battles, hopefully ending up in a win-win situation.

You stop being fearful at some point. You learn to take in all the things life has to offer - good and bad things. You become equipped with all the necessary tools to cope and survive. Sometimes, a loss brings you to this realization.

You start having faith in yourself. Having been failed a million times over by the human race, you learn that for others to have faith in you, you must first have that kind of faith in yourself.

You learn to stick to your decisions. Indecisiveness and fickle-mindedness - we owe this to youth and our nature. You learn to choose, and fight fervently for what you have chosen.

The thing with growing old is that life becomes increasingly easier to deal with.

The roles we play

2011-11-12T17:25:00.001+08:00

After having lunch with some relatives today, I noticed the roles that we play in each one's lives. Gatherings make me ponder.

My relatives from my mom's side are quite well off. The three guy cousins that I have from that side are in their 30s, with wives and children, and are the steady hands of their mother in several departments of her company. During that lunch, I observed the change in demeanor each cousin has whenever they talk to their mother about the business, about their kids' schooling, and about gadgets. They play roles of senior VPs in a meeting with the CEO, of the doting fathers to their children showing off their grades, and of the school boys who loved to talk about and to compare new toys.

It was quite an amusing afternoon, watching people rise up to the occasion, whatever role the situation calls for. That's what sets humans apart from the rest of the animal kingdom - the ability to adapt so consequently.

Crossing over

2011-11-10T23:19:00.001+08:00

After this performance, every thing will change. Things may not happen immediately, but they sure will change for the better.
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During my birthday this year, I wrote down a bucket list of sorts - things to do, places to see, people to be with. Over the next couple of months after my birthday, I was able to do some of the things that I planned to do (like lose weight, write more often and read more books, cook more often, take pictures) and be with people (family, office pals, high school friends, and new people), and took side trips to beaches, hotels, and restaurants I've never been to before. It's been a pretty good year.

And then there's the singing. I've been known to belt out Rolling in the Deep in office hallways and elevators, always disturbing the peace together with Macky and Paul. While this has been a good thing, I longed to sing in front of a crowd just so I could get a feel of what it's like to actually get up on stage and sing. I don't have stage presence whatsoever. I just want people to hear me. Joining the office talent showcase contest just crossed out this little wish of mine.

And for that, I am a happy camper!

Thinking time

2011-11-07T23:28:00.002+08:00

I could shout within these walls, and no one will mind. My voice will echo, permeate into each carved out name, no one will look at me with question. The rising pressure will dissipate into the air. The amount of care will not matter.

Memories will come to haunt me in forms and voices I've known. And all of it will fade as soon as they land in my brain.

Cloudy becomes clear

2011-11-06T13:59:00.000+08:00

I stopped counting after it officially turned a year.

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Singularity was never a question because I have been accustomed to this. The hurt came from a lot of factors: a bruised pride, self-loathing, no sense of the true self. Feeling of worthlessness was inevitable.

The hourly drama somehow dwindled to daily, then weekly, then weeks at a time, until I no longer saw the point in talking about it but still writing about it so as not to bother people with my constant woe-is-me episodes. The sadness became easier to manage, until I no longer felt sadness.

Never been so comfortable in my own skin until now. Never really thought about decisions without the emotions. Consequently putting others into the picture when making a decision. This goes hand in hand with the experiences and the years piling.

Some may view that what I do is selfish. If you really think about it, everything we do is all about self-preservation. That's how we survive. If we don't adapt, we either go mad or die. i want to have few regrets, more effective decisions, time to grow, expand to my own choosing, travel paths, meet people along the way, and die happy. Not an easy feat but every day is a new day and an opportunity to learn your self, know your self, and accept your self better.

What I am is my own choosing. I will never be a savior, but the very least I could do is to try to ease your existence in this world. And the best thing I can tell all of you is this: happiness is always within your reach.

Rude to be kind

2011-11-05T11:28:00.000+08:00

I was up in arms, defending myself against a mind that is set in its ways. The core is hard to change, even your past. But there's always moving forward, and leaving the past behind is the kindest thing you can ever do to your soul.

Sometimes hints are just not enough.

It's pretty amazing to realize how far you've gone even when you didn't know when and where to start. People can and will definitely say a lot of things about how you live your life, how you treat other people. But in the end, you have to answer to you and you alone.

Your fine self

2011-11-03T00:30:00.002+08:00

Outsiders are never privy to who and what you are. Even when you tell people that you are this and that, telling them just won't cut it. These are among the things where actions speak incredibly louder than words.

When someone passes judgment, it usually is made out of not knowing who is being judged. We are all entitled to our own opinions. But what makes an opinion count is when that opinion adds value to the character of that person being judged. We could say thousands of things, but the things that will matter are the ones that will make a person more whole than she's ever been.

It's really calming to know that people speak of good things about you even when you're not physically present. Just goes to show that the person you are definitely made marks to the people who praise you.

Your actions are indelible like that.

Talking to dead relatives

2011-11-01T20:07:00.002+08:00

It was the one place I have always thought would give me solace when I wanted to get out of my skin even for a while. That place where I can sing freely, talk loudly, tinker with grass, leave everything behind for a bit.

I have been irrepressibly moody for the past two days. Been thinking where this is coming from. Talked to my mother who's currently miles away. Tried reading, entertaining myself with work and my nephew. But after a while, I grew exasperated with this mental condition. No one is to blame but me.

Deciding to go talk to my dead relatives gave me some sort of relief from the torture I've been enduring. I was there for about an hour, trying to explain to my dead relatives what I've been up to lately, what are my near-future plans, what mistakes I've made, and how I'm not longing just yet to see them in the afterlife since I've been having a grand time living.

It dawned on me that maybe my dead relatives' souls are in other earthly bodies somewhere here on Earth. I thought maybe that there are only a billion souls, and each one is recycled at every birth. So now that the population has reached seven billion, we each have seven versions of ourselves each, probably living in far-flung places from where we are right now. It's a daunting thought.

Got a picture of the marvelous oranges and yellows of the Manila sky while I was making my way to where my dead relatives' cemetery plots lie. The sky kind of helped take my mind off the foul mood I'm in. Exercise helped a bit, too. And a little sleep here and there.

Refuge

2011-10-31T22:04:00.001+08:00

I'm inexplicably irritable today. All I could think of is attributing this to the monthly period (which is not yet here but I get crazy like this before it starts).

With all that's happening in my head right now, all I could think of are these:
Why am I here?
How could you?
What was I thinking?
I'll kill you if I have to.
That chicken looks delicious.
I'll have three more.
I need to skip rope, jump, run.
Get this out of my system.
I can't fool you. I won't.
Error in processing.
I've done it again. Fucked up the system.
Why do vacations end?
I won't live like this.
I want to live like that.
Why are nice clothes so expensive?
Euro fashion is love.

Gahd.

Tonic

2011-10-30T18:48:00.003+08:00

Yesterday was probably the smoothest day I've ever known: Got some work done at home and at work, had french toast at 3 in the afternoon, sunset bathing the metro, hotel night with my friends spent laughing hard, sharing stories, drinking, taking pictures, and sleeping. I'm a sucker for things falling into places without having forced most of it.

Don't you just marvel at how awesome the world is?

In the here and now

2011-10-29T00:52:00.001+08:00

It only recently occurred to me that my being fickle-minded has a lot to do with my being attuned to what the present time is offering. Can't attribute this to anything except that my parents are not the sort of parents who plan stuff. So we all kinda live like this.

Being in the here and now is kinda like your impromptu speech: you think on your feet while doing the actual work. My description would be consistently inconsistent. Some people have called me out for being fickle but I never really saw this in a bad light because most of the decisions that I've made while thinking on my feet are fairly good decisions. All these decisions, big or small, brought me to where I am currently. And being here is fun.

एक साल बाद

2011-10-27T15:28:00.000+08:00

"Time is a funny thing. So is change." - a friend

There's a constant buzz of thoughts and ideas in my head, especially in most recent weeks. As I write this, my hands are inexplicably trembling. Maybe it's because I opted to finish just half of my lunch today. But I ain't hungry so...

Focusing on work, work, work.
Taking people management in a psychologically serious fashion.
Jumping from cube to cube, checking and hounding people about work and personal stuff.
Hopping from one meeting to another, from 8am to 11pm (yes, I'm corny like that).
Writing down and prioritizing to-dos and tasks.

Taking this business of minimizing calorie intake seriously.
Indulging in half slices of cake, ice cream once in a while, alcohol on most Friday nights.
Educating myself via reading and watching movies (currently obsessed with India, Bollywood, Philippine cinema, LGBT, documentaries, philosophy, and other bloggers' thoughts).
Opting for nice-fitting, flattering clothes.
Spending significant amount of time, money, and thoughts/ideas on: clothes, shoes, makeup (yes, I'm vain).
Shopping and window shopping.
Singing my heart out and dancing away my love handles every chance I get.

Reconnecting spiritually.
Questioning religion but never doubting faith.

This much I can say today: music never stopped healing the bruised soul and ego, time is a friend, letting go is a process, change is a cycle, being in the now helps a lot, revisiting pasts once in a while to realize how far we've come and how good life is, continuously believing in abilities and possibilities, trusting self, controlling bursts of emotion, breathing heavily but breathing easy.

Halfway

2011-10-25T10:04:00.000+08:00

The way I look at it, the glass has water in it.

Easing into yourself everyday is a challenge. Sometimes, you wake up so perky you could ride a horse to work, stop and smell the flowers on your way, and smile at every person you meet. Other times, you wake up very cranky and not liking anything and everything, yourself included. You have to make choices you learn to be comfortable with, because comfort does not always come naturally.

Rambling once again, I thought about these things while watching another movie, and while hearing feedback from two good friends. I like hearing feedback. It puts my thoughts in perspectives that I haven't thought about.

Attribution

2011-10-23T00:51:00.002+08:00

People notice stuff about other people.
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Flattery, and timing, gets anyone anywhere. I'm learning to love the compliments, the pats-on-the-back, the a-okays, the encouragement, the flattery. Sometimes all of it is too much. But who am I to complain? I know I earned all of it.

However, while everything comes up roses most of the time, there is one thing that pisses me off. If you're here to tell me that I'm happy because of another person, then better keep your mouth shut. If you think I found happiness, then great. But to think that my source of happiness is another person, then just walk away.

You know how you work hard on something? You put in the hours, you put all your strength and energy, you devote time, and you put all your psychological and emotional powers into achieving something? That's how I'm doing it, that's how I'm happy. If there was one thing I've learned the hard way this past year, it's this: happiness is a state you work to get into.

So you see, attributing my happiness as the work of another person undermines my capabilities and the work I've done to get to this state. Tread lightly when you're in my garden. I welcome everyone, and I can tell you to leave anytime.

Attempting to make sense out of nothing at all

2011-10-22T01:34:00.001+08:00

All this reading Philosophy's history got me thinking and thinking.

As days pass, various realizations come to light. One that always strikes me is this: I've been/seen/heard/felt/smelled this before. When I think about things, it always dawns on me that things have happened before and that they're repetitions or variations of what happened back then. Of course no two things can happen exactly like the one that happened before (there is that tiny chance but I will not dwell on this thought any further as this will completely sidetrack my thought [and now it did]), but notice that though there are differences, history kinda has its way of repeating itself.

I don't know. Maybe it's the way our thoughts influence our actions. The brain is a very powerful organ. So powerful it controls each and every function our body has.

Maybe this is the stuff that deja vu is made of.

Anyway, sometimes there's this feeling of being lost or being uncertain, which I observe always happens to me whenever I'm nearing a major decision. That feeling of being removed but being in the center of it all (talk about opposites. I'm starting to think I'm crazy), that feeling of head versus heart, that feeling. Ugh. Just thinking about it makes me go ugh.
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Earlier tonight, i was able to fulfill one of my to-dos: sing in front of a crowd. Shaking, trembling, looking like I was about to cry, almost forgetting the lyrics towards the end of the song - this was me in all of the three minutes I spent singing. I could not tell if I did a decent job because I was still slightly shaken hours after that performance. But then, it was an accomplishment on my part. I was asked to audition because there were too few people coming in to audition. If I don't get a call back for next week, that's okay.

I've been here before. Years and years ago, I was asked by my grade school music teacher to join the singing contest because there was no contestant from our section. So I did join. I did not win, but I was content with being able to sing to a crowd. The song was the theme from Disney's Beauty and the Beast.

See? History did repeat itself. To a degree.

Living and Dying

2011-10-17T23:31:00.000+08:00

When you fall in love with someone, it's like a part of you awoke from slumber. Black and white scenes become colorful, actions seem to happen under constant magnification that you see the tiniest details veiled in thin mist. When you love someone, every little thing becomes alive. When that someone falls in love with you, he/she sees you in the same way - something seemingly inanimate becoming mostly alive and hitting his/her senses in the most powerful of ways.

When you fall out of love, all the colors hurt your eyes. Sometimes, you think you just need a break from the brightness of it all. Then, each and every little thing about him/her becomes things that annoy you. You try to remember why you ever fell in love with him/her, try to remember the colors that weren't too bright but just right, try to remember the feeling.

Funny how we all have the power to make each other alive, even funnier how we all have the power to let us all die inside and out.

Sights in crimson

2011-10-16T09:33:00.000+08:00

The times I wish I had a camera handy are the times I walk around the metro when it's the late afternoon. The sun's rays emit orange, blue, almost purple, pink, and sometimes almost crimson reflections that bathe the entire city in magnificent light.

While running (more like walking) errands yesterday on my break from writing, the monument standing blocks away from my house was framed in beautiful orange and pink skies. Imagine this: a winged angel monument facing sideways, it's wings spread as if ready to take flight; orange and pink skies behind the monument, the evening train passing by on one side, billboards starting to light up one by one; looking down, a throng of people walking on and under the overpass; hordes of cars with red their red signal lights stopping in light traffic. I wish I captured this entire scene in wide angle, print it, then put it up on my wall.

Were I spending this particular afternoon on the countryside, the scene would be something like: fields of green and trees bathed in orange and blue hues of the skies; cows and carabaos grazing on one side of the vast field; a single two-lane road lit by headlights and lamp posts.

Whipping out my camera again is not so bad an idea after all.

Peer pressure

2011-10-15T15:46:00.001+08:00

Peer pressure is one of the many factors that help you make decisions and go to directions that sometimes you can't live up to.

Looking back, I've never been influenced that much by peer pressure on the major decisions I made in my life. My choices have always been my own, made with some consultation from family and friends. The only things I've been "pressured" to do were limited to taking trips and midnight snacking. I have good friends.

I've been pressuring Paul to get on with his driving. He caved in a couple of times - one was to spin us on a turtle-like ride inside the basement parking lot, and the other one was last Friday night when he decided to brave the traffic with three crazy backseat drivers and the Friday night traffic along Ortigas Avenue and C5 to drop the three backseat drivers at Eastwood.

I missed Eastwood. It has that such welcome-y vibe to it.

Shameless self-promotion

2011-10-14T10:00:00.000+08:00

Click, click! http://soundcloud.com/diannekristine

Tsunami # 2

2011-10-13T10:44:00.001+08:00

In all fairness, I've only been getting tidal waves of emotions like these every couple of months.

I want to run away again. Things are getting on my nerves again.

It's been like this since forever. I've always been scared when I'm in a happy place, all because I'm afraid I might lose it all. I've written one too many times that what I'm going through is one of the natural cycles of the human condition. But then when the feeling starts seeping in and I start putting all of my energy into it, I start to crumble.

Signs that life is good are all around me, and I'm trying my best to take in all that good. However, I still sweat the small stuff.

What I need is to get drunk and passed out.

Period

2011-10-11T22:53:00.002+08:00

This is what happens at the end of an era.
It is the time that you spent.

This is what you will find at the end of this sentence.
Or you'll end up serving it in jail.

These are the three sisters you dread in a story;
where you have to put up with suspense.

This is what I dread every month.

Not-so-new Trick

2011-10-09T09:57:00.000+08:00

Years ago, I came to the conclusion that while my being right-handed has definitely been convenient living in this world filled with right-handed people, my left hand has to have the abilities my right hand does. Just in case my right hand gets cut off by accident or by sheer necessity (think 127 Hours). So I embarked on a mini-training for my left hand: the usual computer mouse duties, a little writing here and there, switching my fork and spoon and knife when eating, and raising the occasional drink to my lips.

I was successful for a while. My success measures were limited to the two major indicators: 1) my ability to do the actions i had identified earlier, and; 2) influencing another person to do the same. Number two came much later, when Macky decided to adopt my idea (she's left-handed so she trained herself to do right-handed things).

Then you know how life goes on and gets in the way of endeavors like these (or really, us letting life get in the way of individual endeavors like these), I switched back to my right-hand when Ms Excel and PowerPoint got so needy at work. Then my fascination for cooking got the best of me, and I did not want to actually be the cause of cutting my right hand off while chopping bell peppers. In the end, I'm back to being a full right-hand again.

Now that I realized this (by way of conversation with a friend the other night), I've decided to gradually put in the left hand training back into my system. Well, guitar-playing is out of the question since I'm not exactly awesome when playing the guitar with my right hand. But the computer mouse duties, the writing (except when signing my name in documents and papers, and during taking notes when in a meeting), the eating and drinking -- these will all be governed by my ever-reliable left hand.

I just hit save and publish using my left hand.

On Measures

2011-10-08T16:01:00.001+08:00

While we go out searching high and low for bits and pieces of happiness, a year of growing up and (wo)manning up took me to the realization that happy is a state just like sad. It comes and goes. That's the second most important belief I live by, next to death is inevitable.

It never occurred to me that while sometimes I tire of "being of service" to people, I get happy when I make someone else laugh, I get most happy when I make someone really happy. There's no other feeling that can rival that, except maybe feeling truly loved (and that's rare considering we are all self-centered human beings). Well, feelings are hard to measure. The only true measure of a feeling lies with a person, I believe. There's nothing truer but the truth that one person ascribes to solely. There are no finite standards and measures for feelings.

For someone obsessed with counting calories, getting on weighing scales once a day, and computing service charges on food receipts, I'm pretty lenient when it comes to measuring feelings. Sometimes, my thoughts wander to feelings and how it drives us nuts, how it drives us to over-think or under-think things. The effect of a simple action that you do or simple words that you say cannot be measured by you or anyone else objectively. It can only be measured up to certain standards that you and other people, and on varying scales at that. Experiences, beliefs, upbringing, prior knowledge - these are things that have direct effects on the measures and standards that we use.

I've been thinking again.

All things Chinese

2011-10-06T19:19:00.000+08:00

On my way home two nights ago, the original Karate Kid movie (with Ralph Macchio and Pat Morita) was showing on the TV set inside the bus. Last night, the bus I rode had a Chinese kung fu movie on. The fight scenes were engaging enough to make me re-think if i should just extend my trip to finish the movie. I chickened out and decided to go down when I was at my stop.

Last night, we almost had dinner at a Chinese resto. Thinking back, the Chinese resto would have helped my battle against unwanted calories if we had eaten there instead of at the taco shop.

Today, the director for mobile technology gave a 1-hour talk about our company's mobile solution, technology, and product features and benefits. A handful of those who were in attendance fell asleep (if you must know, I kept awake by writing this entry using my phone. I'm a bad listener and a bad employee. Sue me.). The topic was good. However, the director's voice and his manner of speaking (which was especially soft) will surely put you to sleep.

Sometimes, it helps to share your thoughts with a fellow soldier who's going through almost the same things you've gone through. War stories, we call it. It provides an opportunity for you to think and re-think your strategy when you're hurting from recalling hurtful things that happened. One way or another, you learn to let go every day.

Surprisingly busy

2011-10-04T23:24:00.000+08:00

Four days into October and things are in full swing.

Things that I'm up to as of late: reading (work and non-work related literature), writing (work and starting a sideline of sorts), updating music (listening to various indie bands and getting my teensy player updated on an almost daily basis), catching up on TV (digital box got installed with the not-so-new-but-sweet LCD TV from mom this weekend, downloading fall TV series), exercising (switched to every morning), and complaining about my bad back and shoulders.

While commuting on my way to and from work, I get a breather and let my mind wander to different thoughts. Last week was a sad week but since I didn't have time to process it properly, I get to process it using my commute time.

Anyway, excitement seems to be bubbling up within each time hints of something I'm not sure about abound. I know I'm not making sense. But if you have ever come to a point in life when even the slightest hint of a happy tumble in your life appears you become excited with all the things happening around you, then you know what I'm talking about. When you think happiness is just around the corner, you're kind of surprised when you realized that you've just turned that corner.

Lazy Sundays

2011-10-02T12:21:00.002+08:00

The entire household has been going to trips to look for great Sunday dinner experiences two weeks in a row. Proud to say that I've influenced that little young tradition when I started to ask my grandma if she likes to eat this or that for dinner. Two Sundays ago, I brought them to this wings place we frequent in Katipunan. Last Sunday, we went to the mall and ate at the pizza place that I usually go to with college friends. Tonight, we might be going to the rib place I went to recently with office friends.

Realized recently that these Sundays are what I look forward to every week. Well, apart from the Friday night alcohol run. This is the second time in my not-so-young life that I look forward to spending Sundays with the family, the first time being when I was aged 6-8, when we would get up at the crack of dawn and head downtown to Manila to ride bikes and eat sweet soy treat (taho, in the vernacular) and have a picnic until 11am, then head to Aristocrat restaurant for lunch.

From nine years old up to last year, my Sundays have always been occupied by lovers, friends, school, work. That run has been great. It brought me to a lot of places, brought me joy and lasting friendships, brought me learning and experiences.

Now, it's my time to give back to the family that had always welcomed and supported me in all the races that I've been and am going through. Scraping for leftovers and putting together a nice lunch, taking them to new eateries, doing simple house work, organizing the house, paying bills, playing with my nephew, sharing stories - these are the little things that I'm giving back to them.

Aaaah, this has got to be the good life :)

No one else for you but you

2011-09-28T20:22:00.000+08:00

All I can do, if I feel this way, is trust that somewhere in the universe, there's a you that feels the same. - I wrote this for you

Living gets pretty easy most days. With all the shit flying around, thrown at your face, you learn to just go with the flow. Sometimes life gets a tad overwhelming, putting you in sticky situations and throwing you merciless emotions. Pain, sadness, bitterness, being hard -- all these become your daily defense. But then, you get to a point where you just let go of everything that's been weighing you down.

How there are people willing to catch you when you've fallen, how they are ready to help you see happy when you have willed yourself to do so, these people never cease to amaze you. And kudos to you when you see the point in getting you together. For there is no one else for you but you alone.

"Embarrassment is better than regret."

2011-09-27T21:26:00.000+08:00

My sister got into a fight with a local shoe repair man because the former thought she had already paid the latter when she handed the shoes for repair last week. Turns out, the payment was not given yet and so my sister and the shoe repair man fought in front of other customers over nothing. Totally my mom's fault because my sister had handed her the money to pay beforehand but my mom forgot to give it to the shoe repair man.

Now, my sister is arranging for our maid to come down to the repair shop tomorrow and pay for the goods.

Today, we didn't have electricity for the most part of the day. But I enjoyed every minute of just getting together to eat, downing siomai and cheap but great-tasting pizza, going online occasionally to check things at work, reading, and dozing off to sleep several times. I hope storm season stops by end of September.

What do you want to be?

2011-09-25T13:13:00.003+08:00

I could not wear plaid because I thought I looked "butch". Oh who am I kidding? I really do look butch and sometimes I really want to look a certain way so if you see me wearing plaid, I'm your butch that day.

What I wrote above does not have anything to do with what I will write today. Or maybe it does have something to do with what will come of these thoughts. We'll see.

I wanted to be a doctor when I was little. Well, at six or seven and in the late 80s, every child wanted to be a doctor or in a profession that helps people and earns a lot. My high school yearbook (well, sort of yearbook because public high schools in the Philippines do not really spend for yearbooks, but I digress, as I usually do) read that I wanted to be a neurosurgeon. Now we're getting somewhere and to the point. But being in a middle class family with four children all going to school (three in private, one being in college, the two others still in grade school) in the 90s, one could only adjust their visions from med school and specialization to getting in a good school and landing a good job after graduating. We didn't have the luxury of money or time to spend in school but it was not an issue for me. I figured that seeing a fairly huge pool of blood would bring me to coma in less than five minutes. So I went to a good university and got fairly decent grades (and repeated College algebra twice before getting a passing grade the third time). Got through to three jobs before landing a job that I liked doing (and got better at it as time passed [I hope to whatever I'm doing a decent job right now or every thing I'm saying here is rubbish]).

Looking at it right now, the profession I'm in is not really your ideal job. I didn't land it the way I planned, mostly because I didn't plan to be managing people. It was more of an accident that I didn't want to happen but it happened but I was kind of glad it did. And the way I'm getting at it (of doing my job, I mean) is really slow in every one else's eyes but I'm kind of learning it as I do it and as I read my management books and the training and seminars I go to. So far, I'm liking it.

Yes, I did not become a doctor. I'm not your cool neurosurgeon (although I still think it's a cool profession to have: to go in the operating room and take out brain tumors and look at and study the brain everyday and operate on people and get to go to fellowships and read all those studies and journals and have to explain concepts and parts of the brain to people and look at scans and MRIs and sit with patients and/or patients' families and explain to them how the surgery goes or went and hopefully not lose a life while a patient's in my care, but see, I digress!). But I get to have this cool profession of managing people and tasks and operations everyday. I get to help solve problems and take out problems to keep things running - like taking out brain tumors to keep brains running perfectly. I get to go in everyday and look at the people and study them and see how they operate. I get to go and get good and great training and seminars on management and operations. I get to read all management books and books to get your brain running. I get to look at the play of words written by writers and insights and thoughts from researchers and sit with really intelligent people and see and hear their varied take on a single computer threat or a security issue. I get to go to work for and with people and sometimes they say goodbye and move on and I get sad. But most of the time, I'm happy to see people still do what they do and hopefully they get to enjoy their work as much as I get to enjoy working with them.

So I can wear plaid to work and people will comment on what I wear or what I should have worn. But I'm glad I went to work and that I have work to do and that whatever I wore that day is just a minor thing of what made my day that day.

Work is work. I do hope we get to enjoy working as long as we see and feel and are ready to face the challenges that come with it.

Smoking kills

2011-09-24T10:31:00.000+08:00

Try as I may, these words pouring out right now will be masked only for those who don't know.

I knew the reason why I did not want to smoke on a regular basis. It wasn't the taste, it was the stench. Unlike most smokers I know, my skin reeks of the smoke after just one light. The stench is difficult to get rid of. Washed my hands for minutes, slathered perfumed lotions, but the stench remains.

Contrary to what people think, you do things that seem familiar to you only to realize that thing is no longer part of you. And smoking while drinking is nothing but a necessary evil to accompany the evil that is drinking. Alcohol is my poison and salvation. Smoking is just a welcome companion. So when you think something's going on, there's none. Maybe something, but not what you're thinking of or about.

The thing with not rolling in the same crowd too much too often is that you pick up their habits. "Yah?"

As an adult, you are allowed to pick up whatever it is that you want to pick up and discard whatever it is that you believe you don't need.

Let me leave things at that.

Letter to my 10-year old self

2011-09-23T00:17:00.000+08:00

Because I was not able to participate in Jessica Zafra's LitWit Challenge, I'm doing my own for the heck of it.
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Dear me,

10 things for the 10-year old you:

Learn to love yourself this early. There will be a lot of questions, a lot of hiding. And it will take you about 15 more years before you finally admit to the whole wide world that you're gay as in happy but starting now, learn to love yourself. It's the only way you can accept your reality.
Read, read, and read. When you're 28, you'll realize that you wasted a lot of your time watching girls and being with them that you forget the love you have for reading. This will not help you in any way. you will just end up uninformed.
Dance. Yes, you're being tapped to dance in various school dances. This will continue until you're in high school and until your early college years. But believe me, you'll miss dancing once you get out of college. There will be lesser opportunities to dance. Maybe when you're drunk. But dance, I beg you. Dance!
Practice speaking in front of a mirror. Because in less than 20 more years, you'll realize you need to speak up and speak proudly of the things you are so passionate about. and your job will entail speaking, one way or the other.
Forgive more. Your heart will be broken a couple of times because you lose yourself a lot. But learn to forgive yourself as well as how you forgive others.
Exercise! You might be slim right now, and you'll still be until all of your high school years. But once in college, you'll start to grow and your self-pitying will even be worse, causing you to get fatter with every breath. Do not ever discount the possibility that even when you're born slim, you will get fat eventually.
Never stop writing. Ever.
Show how you value your family and friends. They will always be there for you, even when you feel that you're all alone in this world. Especially during the times when you lie awake in bed, crying and hurting. They will be there for you to listen, to console, to say the things that you need to hear, to be the people who will love you no matter how you turn out. Never forget them, for they have never forgotten you.
Sing, play the piano, and play the guitar more often. Someday, you'll overcome your shyness and you'll just want to sing in front of a crowd and sing as if your life depended on it. Practice makes perfect.
Love, truly love. Yes, broken hearts are inevitable. But never forget that you deserve the love you will have at any point in your life. You will have your share of puppy love, you will have crushes. There will come a time when girls (and at some point, boys and gays) will start lining up at your door that you would want to love all of them. You will spend grade school loving one girl. You will spend high school loving the same girl in grade school, and having boyfriends on the side. You will be madly in love once you're in college. You'll experience a deeper and more refreshing kind of love after that. Then, you'll learn to love yourself. So love. Just love. Let love be as natural as it can be.

Sincerely,
You +20years

Of balance and things

2011-09-20T23:27:00.003+08:00

I remember reading in Eat, Pray, Love a line where Liz Gilbert describes the fear of losing balance after going through the motions of achieving it. That's how I feel right now, except I'm not fighting to love someone and keep my balance. I'm just scared of the fact that I can easily be thrown off balance by things that happen to me or around me. And then scared of having to work to recover.

Maybe I'm just that lazy. Or afraid that I might not be able to recover.

The thing is I'm enjoying this time, my time.

2011-09-19T23:03:00.000+08:00

How do you wanna go out?

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The eventuality of life is we all die. There's nothing more true than that.

So while living each day either becomes a dread or something awfully great, sometimes, you go about thinking whether today will be your last or your first at anything. There's a lot of literature that goes around saying that you have to live everyday as if it was your last. But isn't it good to sometimes live every single day as if it were your first? However, it must be awfully hard to live life as if it were your first because you vaguely remember your first. You vaguely remember the feeling, the first time seeing.

And that's where the beauty lies, of living every single day as if it were your first. Living it like you've just opened your eyes for the first time, like when you first open your eyes and everything is blurred and a blur. Like waking up and gasping for air after a nightmare almost took the wind out of you. Like entering a room full of strangers and deciding to hang out with them for your sake.

If you think about it, firsts are always memorable than lasts. Firsts signifies getting over the fear of the unfamiliar, of jumping in into the unknown. Life is all about firsts. We almost always end up bored with the routine of our daily lives. We seek new things always so life does not become a bore. That thirst for something new, it's the thirst of firsts. And after seconds, and forty-seconds, we seek new firsts.

In the last 30 days, I've written a lot about pretty obvious things in life that I see and hear and feel and observe. And that is how i wanna go out. I wanna go out experiencing things to the fullest that I can take. I wanna go out having lived in the moment. I wanna go out having few regrets, because if you don't have regrets you haven't lived. I wanna go out having danced in the rain, having been tattooed, having been drunk and passed out a couple of times, having danced as if my life depended on it, having viewed mountains and lakes and seas, having rode airplanes and ships and hot air balloons, having traveled with the greatest memories of my travel companions and the beauty of the places we've seen. I wanna go out having listened to the sweetest music I could hear, having made the sweetest music I could make. I wanna go out having loved greatly and immensely.

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This 30-day writing challenge brought out a lot of thoughts - both beautiful and awful. It's become a nightly (or sometimes daily) refuge. It's the first avenue I've tried fiction (which I failed, miserably). It's the first I've done trying to write something meaningful to me and to the handful of people who read this. It's been a wonderful first. And maybe I won't repeat this soon but I'll definitely have a second and forty second shot at this as the years go by. It's one of the firsts that I've come to love. To come home nightly, worrying about whether I will be able to reach the minimum word count is definitely a first.

Oh well, tomorrow's another day. Maybe I'll see you around with my usual frown. Maybe we'll take a picture together. Maybe you'll be one of my travel companions. Maybe we'll seek a new first together. And maybe, just maybe, we'll all fall in love - with the world or with one person.

2011-09-18T23:04:00.001+08:00

The 30-day writing challenge is now officially done. And I'm missing it. So to temper my need for writing 200-500 words every day/night, I am back to writing and rambling here.

Been on a crazy bus lately. So far, the ride has been good. Bumpy but all sorts of bumps eventually lead to something to smile about. Haven't cooked for weeks now, been too busy scouring the Web to check out new places with friends. We've been experimenting with food and driving around on a week night.

I got to thinking once again. When I had my birthday, I made a list of things to do/achieve in the course of a year. So far, I've only achieved almost a handful. But what the last two months brought out in me is this zest for living, for experiencing things. And I've learned to be mindful, to watch my mouth and to police myself whenever I can. Not that I'm stopping anything but being mindful takes a lot of work because you consider yourself and your actions and what consequence it brings. So far, I've had good progress here.

Overall, I'm just happy. Sometimes, sadness and rage take over me for reasons I cannot seem to fathom. Give myself a few hours to calm my nerves, and a few days to calm the emotions and thoughts, and I'm back to happy again. Life is nice. Was looking forward to this, after several months of living like a zombie - dead on the outside, especially in.

2011-09-17T21:25:00.000+08:00

Every thing has been said and done. But not every thing has been said and done so eloquently as you can only do.

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All these words sung, written, heard, and said speak of the basic, the simple things that we tend to forget most of the time.

The difference with what you have to say and what has been said by others is the depth of character that only you can give that particular thing that you said. The gravity of experience, the depth of freshness, the sensation of the words as each rolls out of your tongue/pushes past pen and paper/permeates through your computer screen - only you can give justice to whatever you say.

Words without actions are meaningless but actions without words are confusing.

While words are the primary form of communication, actions coupled with words speak volumes. Sometimes, non-verbal cues get you to where you intend to be in a particular moment. Words fall empty, pale in comparison with that twinkle in your eye, that slight arch in brows, that twitch on the corner of your mouth, that side glance. Actions and non-verbal cues bring you places, good or bad. Wholeheartedly doing something, meaning something brings you good things, eventually.

Let's not say more and do more. Let's say what we mean, do what we need in temperance.

2011-09-07T20:29:00.000+08:00

A person's a person, no matter how small. - Dr. Seuss, Horton Hears a Who!

My nephew is three, turning four. He's in school. His mom got called to school a couple of times since school started in June. The recent reason being he punched one classmate all because the classmate was quiet. He's a bully. We all think he is a bully. Out of the five days that he has to get up early, four mornings are very noisy mornings for everyone in the household. He shouts, cries, whines. And he has this shrill when he talks even in a normal voice. It's irritating.

But on the rare occasions that he is reasonable, or that you can reason with him, you can actually talk to him sensibly and he will be cooperative enough for a time. You can talk sense into him, and he can understand you as if he had the comprehension of a 12-year old.

Spending two months actually caring for this kid, I have learned that to parent a child is one of the most difficult but may also be one of the most rewarding roles a person could fulfill. You have an idea how you want a child to turn out. You have high hopes for him/her. But sometimes, you are left dumbfounded as to how to achieve what you want him/her to turn out.

There is no other way but to let children experience stuff, aside from teaching them truths and consequences of life. It's how they learn best. You teach them not to hurt anyone, and to not hurt themselves, but sometimes hurt and pain are part of what makes them stronger. Teach them to laugh at themselves when they make mistakes. Teach them the value of "thank you," "sorry," and "i love you." Teach them to enjoy nature and to experience the beautiful living creatures around them.

2011-09-03T14:18:00.000+08:00

Beer was my first dalliance with alcohol.
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The sour taste pairs well with the sweet and spicy chicken wings. It's 12 midnight and we're laughing our heads off with the FMK game choices. Contestants were all girls, choices were a mix.

Come to think of it, the idea of a fun night evolves as you grow older. Call it dealing with the years as it wears you out. You either let it or you deal it as gracefully as you can. And drinking is how we deal with the years.

Not being drunk. Just drinking, occasionally. Or every Friday night. Or Wednesday and Friday nights. Or not having any alcoholic beverage for three months then getting yourself passed out in three hours at the next drinking session.

The love affairs with alcohol and the love we have for friends are what make nights epic. Talking while being slightly inebriated, that's the story that you go back to when you want to remember cooler things that you've done. Effing, emming, and K-ing specific people: these are the choices you want to remember whenever other people fuck you (literally or figuratively, your choice really) in real life.

Thank whatever for the kind of friends you have. Thank nature and chemistry for the alcohol to speed up or slow down your nights. Just thank something, anything. Thank you.

The Before and After

2011-08-27T19:32:00.000+08:00

There's a stark difference. It may be noticeable immediately, but most of these differences take days and months and years to get noticed. Differences may be subtle. But if you pause, if you really take that pause, you'll not only see the difference. Instead, you will feel it. And that's an entirely different thing.

The thing with feeling the difference is the you-might-nots. You might not be able to withstand the difference on its first blow. You might not be able to wrap your head around the what is because you are still in the what was. You might not fully understand the implications. But who does really?

Implications, ramifications. It's never been easy to fully digest things. We look for what's been written, what's been said about differences. We seek evidences, affirmation. However, there's no one who is able to fully comprehend the difference better other than you. You see, the difference lies in you. It lies in your capacity to embrace an idea laid down. It's in your depth of knowledge and experience as an existing, feeling being. It's in your nature, your disposition, your comprehension.

And at once, what was different becomes familiar. What was, is. Then you move on, and see if you can detect the next difference.

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This is what I wrote for Day 3 of the 30-day writing challenge. Seven days down, 23 more to go.

2011-08-27T03:26:00.000+08:00

It was a Tuesday when she listed 25 people/places/things/events she adored. A list of 25 that started with an earth-shattering profession of love to the woman who she knew could break her very own soul. Her head was not in the clouds. A decision has been made way before the list happened.

The real thing. The real woman. The real her. Every little thing about the woman who could break her soul, she longed for.

Every fiber of my being

is in love with you

She quoted Rumi to drill the point further. It wasn't enough that every song is an ode to the woman who could break her soul. Neither was the list enough to completely convey the happiness, sadness, loneliness, and longing she felt simultaneously towards her object. She has heard breaking hearts. She has gone through bleeding and suffering. She lost herself twice. And yet, here she goes again.

Willful, whole - she faced the woman who could break her soul with her heart on her sleeve and her head where it should be. She, an able-bodied and kind-hearted woman, became completely incapacitated with the overflowing well of love she volunteered to the woman who could break her soul.

The woman who could break her soul. The woman. This woman, who did break her soul, broke it into million little pieces with the intention of getting the broken woman's soul to transition.

A change. It was in order. The broken woman hadn't realized it until she surrendered to the process of mending the broken little pieces that is her soul. Music - that had gone sour - tasted grape-like again. Words - ones the broken woman never found - slowly danced around her and consumed her. Love - tattered like a rag - regained consciousness and purity. Her soul, newer and blessed, is ready to believe again.

A comforting note: it happens.

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From the first day of the 30-day writing challenge.

2011-08-20T18:33:00.000+08:00

I use the words "running around" a lot.

It is because movement is king. Actions say a lot more than words. Whether deliberate or not, I run around for reasons that are dear to my heart.

Running around in circles before making a decision. Running around on the office floor to get to office mates whenever they have questions or need help in something or when I have questions or need help in something. Running around the metro to see skylights, to chase clouds, to chase pink and orange sunsets, to make it to movie shows, to get to bars. Running around to waste time. Running around to always give meaning to this life. Running around to savor pure moments.

I run around. But I never run away.

2011-08-17T19:50:00.000+08:00

Brush. Sight. Touch. Hear. Listen. Smell. Taste.

Hectic as this may seem, I think I'm in for another ride. There's no way of telling the here and the now, unless you get here and get here now.

This is what I call our to be continued.

2011-08-13T11:52:00.000+08:00

Sunny, sunny, sunny outside on a Saturday noon.

Given the time we have and the vastness of this universe, all I want to do is just lay on the grass and look up at the clouds. Look how the clouds form things that we imagine: a mustache, dinosaur, a smiling face. We'll make up stories about how the mustached doorman opened the door to let in a lady with a smiling face. The lady came while riding on the back of a dinosaur. We'll laugh and extend this little story as the clouds shapes into different things again.

I must be dreaming. I'm dreaming right :)

2011-08-10T01:04:00.000+08:00

Wouldn't it be nice to live in the moment? To truly enjoy the here and now until it's all gone and move on to the next here and now of your life?

2011-08-07T18:30:00.000+08:00

The times I wish I had a car

and knew how to drive,

Are the times that I wish I could have driven with dad to the hardware store to get paint. Or to the hippodrome to watch them horses.Or to Tagaytay, just so we could pass by the new SLEX and relive that one night when we were heading back from one of those long road trips we used to take with my sisters and my brother;

Are the times when I wish I could take mom and lola to the grocery store and to the mall, whenever they want to get their form of exercise. Or to the hospital for both their checkups, whenever they don't want to go but clearly had to. Or to the cemetery to visit their moms;

Are the times when I wish I could take my siblings for a drive when we wanted to pig out, as if we were not fat enough from all the food at home. Or to Enchanted Kingdom, which seems to be their top-of-mind choice when it comes to entertainment outside the mall. Or to a bar where we could have all the margaritas in the world and never cared to drive home at two in the morning;

Are the times when I wish I could drive out of the city to see the stunning lights from afar and give my mind a rest or a run, whichever it likes.

2011-07-30T23:39:00.000+08:00

Going north

No other way but up, they say :D

So I want to tell you all about my birthday. I planned on cooking meals for my family since I took a leave from the office, and that's just what I did! It was quite a success since the food I prepared was received very well by the family. I was even surprised at how good the food tasted while I was eating!

Anyway, I started Thursday by waking up to prepare breakfast. I never do this sort of thing so waking up early when I'm not going to work is a rare thing to do. I prepared toast and tomato and cheese omelet, which my mom and my grandma enjoyed.

I cooked lunch as well. My version of twice-cooked adobo, which consisted of one part chicken breast and one part pork cutlets, was a hit :)

Come dinner time, I made pan-grilled gindara fish marinated in lemon juice, garlic, and cracked pepper. The sauce was made from honey, pepper, and lemon. This was a tad salty but nevertheless, something we all enjoyed!

Gindara is a very tasty fish and its meat is soft. I liked cooking this dish because gindara is one of my favorite fishes :)

Since I slept in on the morning of my birthday, which was a Friday, I started cooking lunch while having my morning Folger's (I really love this coffee :)). Birthday lunch was special since I prepared the following:

Sweet potato soup and grilled tiger prawn salad with lemon vinaigrette! This was a winning pair for appetizers! My grandma commented that she felt like she was eating at a hotel resto because of the tiger prawn salad hehehehe.

For the main course, grilled chicken marinated in rosemary and a blend of soy sauce and lemon and some other stuff. The yellow sauce is made of mango juice and mayonnaise and honey and mustard. The chicken is topped with mango slices. This was another hit!

For my birthday dinner, I asked my mom to cook her version of spaghetti - my all-time favorite dish in the whole wide world :D I ate a lot of the spaghetti. The spaghetti sauce was a bit sweet, with ground chicken and chicken hotdog :D. For dessert, I prepared fresh fruit trifle.

I especially prepared two kinds of cream for this dessert. Even had the whipped cream prepared :)

Couldn't have done all of this if it wasn't for my two trusty assistants: my brother and our household help. They both served as my sous chefs for the entire two days I spent cooking! Capped birthday night with a trip to Makati to eat and drink banana beer, and a massage at a spa joint in Pasay, both courtesy of Macky and Eric :D

My birthday was definitely a happy one :) I got to do all the things I wanted to do, and I got to spend it with all the people that mattered most to me. Thank you for welcoming this year with me!

2011-07-24T13:13:00.000+08:00

Currently capping this weekend with the crafts project for the nephew's presentation tomorrow. It's not that big of a deal. Ended this week's Friday with a videoke party with office friends and booze and coffee afterwards. I was asleep 3/4 of the way home. Cleaned out my closet and watched The L Word reruns for the whole of Saturday. Season 3 gave me lessons that I thought about 'til I was ready to fall asleep.

I'm excited for next week's birthday festivities!

2011-07-16T14:22:00.001+08:00

It's sometimes difficult to admit that no matter what I do, I will always love her.

I've tried to be mean. But anger is not really my strongest suit.
I tried mocking each and every move she made. But mockery failed me.
I've been trying to put on invisible blinders, blocking out her figure/sound, placing myself in an imaginary cage. It seems to work for the time being. But each time it gets a chance, my sadness just blurts itself out in the most obscene of times, in the most desperate of nights.

Maybe that's just it. I love her, plain and simple. It doesn't mean I have to do anything about it. I have to admit to myself that I love her, and that she has moved on. These are the facts of my life right now.

That's it.

2011-07-13T17:57:00.000+08:00

You just have to believe that times will get better after the worst happens. Worst and better are relative states, of course.

2011-07-11T19:54:00.000+08:00

Non-negotiable

One afternoon while taking noon break at work, workmates and I got to talking about non-negotiable(s) in a partner. We got into it after one workmate told the story of a cousin who is a lesbian who married a gay man while her partner married the gay man's partner, all in the name of the US green card. They live together in one house. This setup appealed to me. Green card or no green card, if I was in a situation like this, my partner and I will look for a decent and nice gay couple who's also in the same predicament. Of course I'd prefer that the gay couple be our friends, for it's much fun that way. Two gay couples in one house - that seems like a happy riot!

Anyway, we were all asking about three non-negotiable traits, items, things, characteristics that we look for in our partners. This is a difficult question to answer since I don't usually look for three things as I've been fairly lucky in girlfriends. However, having gone through dates with several women in the last few months (five different women in a span of seven months to be exact), I knew there were some things that I was looking for in a woman.

I find it weird that I wanted a woman who's simple. I actually termed it mababaw. Although it may not appear that way, I am a person who laughs at very stupid jokes, who enjoys simple things. Some people might argue that I'm maarte when it comes to certain things and I think we're all allowed to have that one or two or three hundred pet peeves. But I digress.

Simple is relative so my definition really is one who can laugh with me, at me, or at herself. A woman who has a smile on her face while feeling the rays of the sun during an early morning or late afternoon walk. A woman who bobs her head upon hearing her favorite tune. A woman who enjoys just talking and sitting in the middle of nowhere or in the middle of somewhere. A woman who has no qualms about holding hands in public, more so in private. A woman who enjoys chicken, pizza, beer, or any kind of alcohol at odd times of the day or night.

Which brings me to the fact that we are all weird in our own ways, so the second "strength" I'm looking for in a woman is her ability to get me. People change continuously. I'm not entirely sure if it's anything to be happy about but hopefully the changes are all for the better. A woman who won't get tired of getting me when I'm changing. Of course it is my duty to keep the end of the bargain as well, since she will also change. Maybe I better put it this way: if we change at any point in our lives together, we hope that we'll still be able to love the person that we've become.

Lastly, I must admit that I like sex. So, the third important non-negotiable for me is that she also likes sex. Better qualify this before it gets out of hand: a woman who likes having sex with me. I don't really care if people view this as worldly but this is one of the non-negotiable characteristics/traits I'm looking for in a woman.

What are your non-negotiables?

2011-07-10T23:52:00.000+08:00

Sidetracked

I believe we define our purpose in life. Every little thing flows. We decide if we go with it or go against it. Small or huge, bad or good, our decisions eventually make us. And I say eventually because some decisions take time to simmer while others take effect almost immediately like topical anaesthesia.

Well, I've been going out with dearest friends lately and it's been fun talking about stuff that has happened while we are on our own discovering ourselves and living our lives as we see fit. Whereas we've been talking about boyfriends (well, in my case, girlfriend), sex, and work (and yes, in that order) 3 or 4 years ago, we've gotten into talking about huge decisions that we've made that led to disaster or made us who we are today. One thing was common among us: we got involved deeply with someone that we lost ourselves at one point and made us do things that we wouldn't have done when we were younger or older.

And now that we've all got our sanity back on our heads, we're meeting up endlessly and talking and sharing about all the excess baggage that we all carry. Maybe these meetings are included in the post-processing of our lives. We talk about the shitty stuff that we did shamelessly.

Which brings me to the fact that it's nice having friends that you can call at 2am to get pizza and beer and talk your heart out. It's not only nice, it's awesome. They allow you to talk endlessly, talk smack, cry if you have to, then they tell you truths. They help you let go or hold on.

So if we can't stay on the course that we've decided for ourselves, friends help us get back on track.

2011-07-07T14:41:00.023+08:00

the elephant speaks, again

heeeeeeeey! it's definitely, definitely been a long time since I spoke to you. how are you now?

first, I want to say happy happy birthday to you! We've been together for several birthdays now. My birthday's everyday! So, make a wish! Make a wish and make it good! Now close your eyes. Ta-da! I'm here! I know you wished for my cuteness :D

second, how's work? are you still spending all night blogging? I miss blogging myself! I miss getting to do all the work for you while you sleep in your chair hahahahaha. Kidding! You know you're a good writer. And cute, too. But no one's cuter than me and you know it!

You lost beans like me! I can be fat and thin if I want to but still be as cute as the first time you took me out of the store.

I still have a lot of questions, like how my footies are big, why don't I get out of the mug, where are my fingers, what time it is, why am I not taking a bath, where's my jelly. But I'm happy to see you once in a while. Take care, okay. I'll just be here chillin' with my friends the pig and all the barnyard animals, just getting cuter and cuter everyday.

Until next time. I'll fly with my cape and go to all these places and tell you all about my adventures. Have fun!

2011-06-29T14:36:00.020+08:00

Truth is I'm really afraid of myself because I will write the truth. I've been dancing around myself for months now. I'm scared to even admit to myself that I am scarred. So I start writing today because I can no longer reign in the thoughts and the feelings and all the bullshit.

What I am is very, very sad. It's all because I keep thinking that I was left by the one woman who I knew could break my soul. I don't want to be eaten alive by these feelings. I've been trying to fight every single feeling because I know I'm bigger than this sadness.

These things, these feelings take time. My plan is to not get over her because there's nothing to get over. what we had was good, and I plan to honor her that way. What creeps up every now and then is how I lost myself in the process of loving her, and it's bad. And that's what my plan is all about - getting to know myself more and doing every little thing at whatever cost all in the goal of never losing myself again. After all, three women have had my heart and them leaving is but an indication of me being unlovable at some point. I do not pity myself for this is the truth.

So I will never be fearful again of my thoughts and my feelings for I know I can take refuge in myself and in knowing that every single thing that I'm going through and will go through will only strengthen my character and change me for the better.

2011-06-25T16:40:00.001+08:00

So whatever it is i'm feeling for the past days is confused. What I can say is that I'm better off.

But there are times when I wish you hadn't let me go that easily. I wish sometimes I fought for you, fought you. And then I think the only choice I have is to love myself more.

2011-06-19T03:23:00.000+08:00

drunk as fuck, but can still write.

hate it when i'm drunk like this because my default person is to look for you. I was out and about with two high school friends and all I could talk about was you. I was trying to impress them with how well I was moving on but deep inside I wanted to lash out and say "Why????"

Difficult day today.

well, well, well

2011-06-16T19:14:00.000+08:00

look at how time flies!

Been running around and all I can say is I've never had this much fun being single and all that jazz! Been to lots of cool places, met new and old people, dated some of them here and there, learned a trick or two, and just went plain crazy over diet and getting fit! To date, I've lost 40lbs! How neat is that?!

Anyway, the bouncing back thing was really a trying period. However, it taught me a lot.

Best lesson of all: life really does go on! So stay on track and you'll definitely find something amazing around you or within you each and every day!

2011-06-05T03:22:00.000+08:00

Went online to write about an idea in my head while watching several movies hours ago. But then, at past three in the morning, your mind sort of goes haywire on you so you forget things that you're supposed to write about. Anyway.

You know you want to make sense to the world, to other people, and to that one person you think gets you like no one does.

It kinda feels lonely out here.

2011-05-27T14:01:00.000+08:00

Can't even begin to explain my thoughts tonight. Good friends are hard to find. They're also difficult to keep. And I believe I have a few keepers in my midst now.

Going through a break up is a certified PITA. Thank whatever for family and friends who would only want to see you at your happiest again. And if not for them, I certainly would not last this long holding my own against myself. In the end, I know that the battle I'm fighting is one where the enemy is the constant barrage of thoughts of self pity and wallowing in the past and what went wrong and all that crazy shit. Seven months into it, I'm learning a lot about myself, gaining back whatever I had willingly thrown away, and growing even more accepting of myself and the circumstances I'm in. I'm very lucky to have friends who will never give me BS about things.

So yeah. I may have had very bad months but things have never been better until I finally woke up one day and jumped right into my now.

2011-05-25T00:00:00.000+08:00

Thing is I believe that you are but a good memory of what once was. That's all there is to it.

2011-05-15T00:36:00.000+08:00

It's past midnight, Sunday morning. Faith No More blasting in my ear, egging me to write yet again.

Revisited last year's January via a picture slide never uploaded. It used to bring me to tears - tears of joy at marveling how I was so blessed with her love. It did bring me to tears months ago - trying to remember how good it was. Surprising that these feelings are no longer stirred today when I look at these photographs. These pictures now serve as a reminder of a beautiful past, and as a tool of hope that each of us will love better in the future.

With my best, my very best, I set you free.

2011-05-14T22:37:00.000+08:00

It's been quite a while since feeling at peace with everything that this world has to offer. Being simple-minded sure has it's pros and cons. Letting go of past hurts and present fears, closing once-gaping wounds, ridding of envious thoughts, getting the points that matter across, loving each moment of defeat and triumph.

2011-05-11T22:52:00.003+08:00

ever get to a point where you just feel exhausted from doing and thinking and running around and running away from everything and anything?

well, that's just my day today.

2011-05-07T13:57:00.000+08:00

Birthday wishes

I know my birthday is still two months away, but i can't help thinking about gifts. So.

Ovation iDea Celebrity Acoustic-Electric Guitar. Aside from this having an amp, the guitar has a built-in recorder!
Samsung Galaxy Tab. for my ebook and music sheet-reading needs. Having access to the Internet also helps when I'm trying to know the chords to a song.
A tambourine and an egg shaker. To complete the band. Now all I need are the players :).
To record 3-5 songs in a recording studio with a band.
Watch Up Dharma Down perform Tadhana :D

2011-05-03T21:28:00.002+08:00

there comes a point in your existence when you can't deny that you miss the world you always choose to forget just so you could live to see another day.

2011-04-24T17:33:00.000+08:00

I'm in no way cognizant while writing this. Maybe just half. It's because I slept at 6 in the morning and woke up up four hours later to have lunch and strong coffee. Enjoyed the last four days of vacation, thanks to the Internet, to the office condo, pizza, and booze.

Was thinking of a lot of things the last four days. Wanted to write each and every thought but was too lazy and too obsessed with the perfect words to explain everything that I was thinking and feeling. I'm feeling woozy right now.

First, I'm trying to remember what it was I set to do for work. I forgot already. Second, I've been wallowing in the "what ifs" again. Here's to hoping I will stop sooner. Third, searching for inspiration via notes I send to a site for finding future girlfriends. I wanted to submit covers now, not just words.

I'm no longer making sense.

2011-04-22T13:06:00.000+08:00

So maybe I've been stressing myself a lot lately. Or maybe just lying a whole lot to myself.

Been watching episodes of Lie To Me, and it's got me thinking. I've been so concerned with how I'm showing emotions and feelings in the last five months. And my primary reason is I don't want anyone telling me that I'm not okay yet. Truth is I won't ever be "okay" if "okay" means being the old me. Because no one ever regresses. We all move forward.

And I'm worrying myself too much about the image I'm projecting to the world. We all have to project the "best" on the outside. Truth is, I believe that we lie to ourselves a whole lot than we lie to others. At least I know I do lie to myself a lot. Sometimes, I lie to myself a lot that I can't know for sure how I'm feeling.

Maybe that's it. The feelings. It's fucking up our cores. Feelings are our first reactions. It prevents us from thinking sane, thinking logically. Come to think of it, if there were no feelings involved, would there have been wars or strife at all? Would there have been progress as we know it? Would there be wanting more?

I'm stressed again.

2011-04-17T13:27:00.000+08:00

I just achieved the look I was gunning for: trash. It has that certain bad girl/out-of-college/collegiate/out-of-school-youth appeal. My boss calling me trash at 10am in the morning on a sunny Sunday made my day, actually.

Now in the hot midday sun, I'm swigging rum and filling my lungs with smokes. Four sticks and two cups later, I want to hit the showers.